Bob and Joe: Back to Nature

									by
							Christopher M. Dunlap

Spone Zone Productions
Shaw Hall Rm. 434
775 Comstock Avenue
Syracuse, NY 13244

_____________________________________________

												               FADE IN:

               INT. BOB'S LIVING ROOM - DAY

               BOB and JOE are sitting on the couch watching a synchronized
               pie-eating contest.  BOB is staring out the window.

                                   JOE
                         Hey...Bob...this show kind of
                         sucks, dude.  I think there's a
                         show about spones on channel 37. 
                         Where's the remote?

               BOB doesn't respond. He is still staring out the window.

                                   JOE
                         Bob!  Where's the fucking remote?!

                                   BOB
                         Dude...this tree...I think it's
                         trying to kill me, dude.

                                   JOE
                         What?  What's it going to do,
                         slowly poke your eye out by growing
                         ever closer for decades?  Give me a
                         break.

                                   BOB
                         No, dude...you don't
                         understand...it's trying to kill
                         me!!!

               BOB stares more intently out the window and begins to sweat.

                                   JOE
                         Do I have to get the doorknobs,
                         dude?  Calm the fuck down before
                         you have a heart attack.

                                   BOB
                         AAAAAAAHHHH!!!  It's looking right
                         at me, dude!  I'm doomed!

               JOE stares at BOB and wonders what he did to deserve this.

                                   BOB (CONT'D)
                         Dude...get it away from me...I
                         don't want that branch in my eye! 
                         AAAAHHH!

                                   JOE
                         If you don't stop this, I'm going
                         to shove a branch up your fucking
                         ass.  Now calm down.

                                   BOB
                         Dude, I don't swing that way.

                                   JOE
                         What about that time-

                                   BOB
                         College doesn't count!

                                   JOE
                         Yeah, but I was talking about-

                                   BOB
                         Neither does anything I did under
                         the influence of alcohol!

                                   JOE
                         Okay, but there was still-

                                   BOB
                         I thought he was a chick!

                                   JOE
                         ...Okay, let's not talk about this
                         anymore.  So, where's that remote?

                                   BOB
                         Dude...the tree has it!

                                   JOE
                         No it doesn't.  Where is it?

                                   BOB
                         Dude, I'm telling you, the tree has
                         the remote!  

               As JOE responds, the channels start changing on the TV behind
               him.

                                   JOE
                         That's ridiculous.  You're just
                         paranoid because you used to be a
                         lumberjack.  Speaking of which-

                                   BOB
                         I thought he was a chick with
                         facial hair and a really deep
                         voice!  I didn't mean to...holy
                         crap!

                                   JOE
                         I don't think that's an action,
                         Bob.

                                   BOB
                         No, dude, the TV!

               BOB points at it, JOE looks.

                                   JOE
                         Fuck me.  

                                   BOB
                         I told you, I don't-

                                   JOE
                         It's an expression, asshat.  But
                         the TV...it's changing channels,
                         dude.

                                   BOB
                         I told you!  The tree stole the
                         remote!  He wants us to watch the
                         Nature Channel to atone for my
                         murdering his brothers and sisters
                         5 years ago!

                                   JOE
                         The tree isn't out to get you. You
                         probably just sat on the remote. 
                         Now get up.

               BOB gets up, JOE searches through the couch cushions.

                                   JOE (CONT'D)
                         Hmmm...it's not here.

                                   BOB
                         I told you, dude, the tree has it!

                                   JOE
                         The tree does not have it.  How
                         would it even get in your house?

               At this point, the TV has stopped on a show about the
               destruction of rainforests.  The volume begins to increase,
               and the show's narrator cuts in.

                                   NARRATOR 
                         ...square miles of rainforest are
                         destroyed every year.  Because the
                         trees are not replaced, many
                         species lose their homes and...

               The narrator continues in the background, but cannot be
               understood.

                                   BOB
                         Dude!  The rainforest!  That's it! 
                         He wants me to save the rainforest,
                         and then he'll stop stalking me!

                                   JOE
                         How the fuck can a fucking tree
                         stalk you?  It's attached to the
                         ground!

               A leaf flies through the open window and hits JOE in the eye.

                                   JOE (CONT'D)
                         What the fuck?!

                                   BOB
                         We've gotta save the rainforest!

                                   JOE
                         ...I really have to stop hanging
                         around with you.

               Several more leaves fly through the room, striking BOB and
               JOE about the head and neck area.  An acorn hits JOE in the
               crotch.

                                   JOE (CONT'D)
                         OW!  Son of a bitch!

                                   BOB
                         Do you believe me now?  We've gotta
                         go save the rainforest, dude, or
                         we're gonna die!

                                   JOE
                         ...I can't believe this is
                         happening.

                                                           DISSOLVE TO:

               INT. BOB'S CAR - DAY

               BOB drives, JOE sits in the passenger seat.

                                   JOE
                         So where are we going again?

                                   BOB
                         I told you, dude, we're going to
                         your brother's house.

                                   JOE
                         And you're driving because...?

                                   BOB
                         Because this is my mission!  I have
                         to save the rainforest!

                                   JOE
                         And you're bringing me along
                         because...?

                                   BOB
                         Because, dude, you have to talk
                         Juicebox into lending us his
                         private plane so we can fly to
                         South America!

                                   JOE
                         First of all, his name is Jukebox. 
                         Second, how do you know about his
                         plane?

                                   BOB
                         You told me last week, dude.

                                   JOE
                         Oh.  Right.  That makes sense.

                                   BOB
                         But dude, we've gotta get this
                         thing.  That tree is gonna kill me,
                         dude!  Then he'll use my bones to
                         fertilize his seedlings!

                                   JOE
                         Please tell me I'm having a
                         nightmare...

                                                           DISSOLVE TO:

               EXT. JUKEBOX'S HOUSE - DAY

               BOB and JOE walk up to the house.  JOE knocks on the door.

                                   JOE
                         Yo, Juke!  You in there?

                                   BOB
                         Dude...these trees...they don't
                         want me here, dude.

                                   JOE
                         Just don't talk, okay?  Maybe if
                         you're really quiet, the trees will
                         lose track of you.

               The door opens, and JUKEBOX stands in the doorway.  He is
               wearing a FUBU hoodie, baggy pants, a belt with the word PIMP
               in large gold letters, a pair of Pumas, and assorted bling. 
               He has a "THUG LIFE" tattoo on his right arm.  He is also
               5'5" and Caucasian, with bright red hair.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Yo, 'sup, dawg?

                                   JOE
                         Hey, Juke.  Me and Bob have...a
                         slight problem.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Yo, tell me alls 'bout it, son.

                                   JOE
                         Well...maybe I should let Bob tell
                         you.  I can't even bring myself to
                         say it.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Shee-it, bring dat nigga up here,
                         dawg.

                                   JOE
                             (looks behind him)
                         What the...?  He was right here. 
                         Bob!  Where are you?

               BOB is slowly walking away from the house, staring at trees
               as he goes.

                                   BOB
                         Don't look at me like that...I
                         didn't mean to hurt them.  I just
                         had to make some extra cash, and it
                         was either that or selling my body.  

                                   JOE
                             (Notices BOB in the
                              distance)
                         Bob!  Get over here and tell
                         Jukebox about your tree problem!

                                   BOB
                         They're all around me, dude! 
                         AAAAAHHH!!!

                                   JOE
                         Bob!  I swear I'll get the knobsack
                         if you don't get your worthless ass
                         over here in ten seconds!

                                   BOB
                         AAAHHH!!!  Not the sack!  I'm
                         coming!

               BOB hurries over to the front door.

                                   BOB (CONT'D)
                         So, how ya doin', Juicebox?

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Yo, my name be Jukebox, dawg. 
                         Y'all be frontin' like a bitch-ass
                         playa hata up in 'dis muthafucka? 
                         Shee-it.

                                   BOB
                             (whispering to JOE)
                         What did he say?

                                   JOE
                         He said that you're an idiot
                         because you don't know his fuckin'
                         name.  Now tell him about the
                         trees.

                                   BOB
                         Right.  It's like this,
                         Juice...k...box... (NOTE:
                         Pronounced as "Jooskbox")

               JOE sighs and smacks his own forehead.

                                   BOB (CONT'D)
                         I've gotta save the rainforest from
                         destruction, or else a tree is
                         going to kill me.  We need to
                         borrow your plane so we can fly to
                         South America and stop the carnage.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Shee-it, y'all need "Wings of
                         Bling?"  I don't know, y'all be
                         frontin'.  Ain't no bitch-ass
                         muthafuckas gon' fly my shit.

                                   BOB
                             (whispering to JOE again)
                         What did-

                                   JOE
                         He said he doesn't trust you! 
                         Juke, seriously, you've gotta let
                         us borrow the plane.  Bob won't
                         leave me alone until we "save the
                         rainforest."  I promise I'll make
                         it up to you.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         In Cristal and hos?

                                   JOE
                         Uh...sure.  I'll get you as many
                         crystal hoses as you need.  Now
                         where's the plane?

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Dag, yo, it be roun' back.  But
                         y'all can't just go flyin' dat shit
                         wid'out no proppa trainin'. 
                         Muthafuckas be needin' some help.

                                   BOB
                         Oops.  I didn't think about that,
                         dude.  But the trees...they'll kill
                         me!  We've gotta get to the
                         rainforest, dude!

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Lemme axe y'all a question.  There
                         be any fine bitches in da
                         rainforest?  Ya know, wit dem big
                         ol' titties an' shit?

                                   JOE
                         Hmmm...Have you heard of Carnaval? 
                         It's in Brazil, just like the
                         rainforest, and it features lots of
                         topless wom...uh, "bitches."  

                                   JUKEBOX
                         So dey be like, exotic bitches den? 
                         Wit big ol' tan titties?

                                   JOE
                         Yep.  Hundreds of 'em. 

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Shee-it, why didn't you tell me
                         befo', dawg?  I'll fly y'all
                         myself!  Follow me.

               JUKEBOX begins to walk around to the back of the house.

                                   BOB
                         All right!  Don't worry, trees! 
                         I'll make up for all the pain I've
                         caused you!

               BOB follows JUKEBOX.

                                   JOE
                         Wait, the plane is around back? 
                         How the hell do you take off?

                                                                CUT TO:

               INT. JUKEBOX'S PLANE - DAY

               JUKEBOX is at the controls of a small passenger plane.  BOB
               and JOE sit in the back.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Hold on to yo shit, niggas.  Dis
                         plizzle be movin' its propizzle fa
                         shizzle real sizzle.  Den we be
                         takin' ova da izzle.  Fa-reals.

                                                                CUT TO:

               EXT. JUKEBOX'S BACKYARD - DAY

               The plane sits on a long strip of concrete surrounded by
               bushes.  The propellor starts spinning.  "In Da Club" by 50
               Cent blares from inside the cockpit.

                                                                CUT TO:

               INT. THE PLANE - DAY

                                   BOB
                         Don't worry, rainforest!  Soon, you
                         will be free from the grip of the
                         evil ones!

                                   JOE
                         I hate my life.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Here we go, niggas.  Y'all best be
                         wearin' yo safety belts.  

               JUKEBOX pulls back on the stick, which is customized to look
               like a pimp cane.

                                                                CUT TO:

               EXT. JUKEBOX'S BACKYARD - DAY

               The plane accelerates and speeds down the "runway."  It lifts
               off just before it gets to the end. The plane climbs higher
               into the air, and "In Da Club" continues.

                                                           DISSOLVE TO:

               INT. JUKEBOX'S PLANE - DAY

               The travelers are now high in the sky, and clouds fly past
               the windows.

                                   JOE
                         Do you know where you're going,
                         Juke?

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Shit, son, course I do.  We goin'
                         to Brazil, right?  I'll just keep
                         on flyin' souf 'til I see da
                         jungle.

                                   BOB
                         Dude...I can hear the call of the
                         forest, dude.  

                                   JOE
                         The what of the what now?

                                   BOB
                         The forest, dude.  It's telling me
                         how to help it.

                                   JOE
                         I swear you're not even speaking
                         the same language as me anymore.

                                   BOB
                         Dude, listen!  The trees are
                         telling me that we'll find someone
                         in Brazil who can help us on our
                         sacred mission!

                                   JOE
                         When did it become a sacred fucking
                         mission?  I thought you just wanted
                         to stop that tree in your yard from
                         stalking you.

                                   BOB
                         But dude, I've found my purpose,
                         dude.  The rainforest is in
                         trouble, and we must help it
                         survive.

                                   JOE
                         ...You know, I could be watching
                         football right now.

                                   BOB
                             (in a condescending tone)
                         In Brazil, football means soccer.

                                   JOE
                         Shut up.

                                                           DISSOLVE TO:

               EXT. THE SKY - EVENING

               The plane begins to descend.

                                                                CUT TO:

               INT. JUKEBOX'S PLANE

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Yo, we approachin' Brazizzle
                         fashizzle, my nizzles.  Dem trees
                         tellin' ya where to park dis bitch?

                                   BOB
                         Give me a second, Jukesbox.

               JOE headbutts the wall and mouths the word "moron."

                                   BOB
                         ...The trees say that we should
                         land at the first airstrip, and our
                         guide will be waiting for us.

                                   JOE
                         Bob, how can you hear the fucking
                         trees?  This is driving me insane.

                                   BOB
                         It's a gift, dude.  I'm gifted. 
                         That's why I rode the special bus
                         in elementary school.

                                   JOE
                             (under his breath)
                         I hope we crash.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Yo, I see an airstrizzle where we
                         can chill.  There better be some
                         fly bitches up in dis muthafucka. 
                         Jukebox Junior needs a little
                         lovin'.

                                   JOE
                         I'm going to pretend I didn't hear
                         that.  Just land here.  "The Trees"
                         apparently want us to do it.

                                   BOB
                             (melodramatic and corny
                              accent)
                         Do not mock them, you fool, for
                         they shall surely destroy us all
                         with their bark of wrath, and their
                         roots of terror, and their-

                                   JOE
                         If you keep quiet until we land, I
                         won't hit you with the knobsack for
                         a whole day.

               BOB shuts up and sits perfectly still with his lips pursed.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         We be goin' down like a ho on da
                         job, niggas.  Hold onta yo shit.

                                                                CUT TO:

               EXT. THE AIRSTRIP - EVENING

               The plane lands on an airstrip surrounded by tall trees.  A
               hangar and attached "airport" are visible in the background.

               INT. THE PLANE - EVENING

                                   JOE
                         I don't know, dude.  This place
                         looks kinda sketchy.

                                   BOB
                         Dude, the trees don't lie.  You
                         have to trust Mother Nature, for
                         hers is the bountiful bosom of
                         knowledge.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         True dat, Bizzle.  Mutha Naycha
                         gots dem big ol' titties full a'
                         smarts an' shit.

                                   JOE
                         Don't encourage him, Juke.

                                   JUKEBOX
                             (suddenly animated)
                         I want my big ol' titties, bitch!

                                   JOE
                         ...Okay then.  Let's get out and
                         see if anyone's here.

               EXT. THE AIRSTRIP - EVENING

               The three exit the plane and walk toward the airport-type
               building at the end of the runway.  A man comes running
               toward them.  He is LENNY BLUNDERSMYTHE, the British jungle
               explorer.  He is wearing extremely tight khakis and a
               stereotypical explorer hat with a thin pink stripe around the
               brim.

                                   LENNY
                         I say, you blokes look like you
                         could use a hand!

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Who dis muthafucka be?

                                   BOB
                         Dude, it's our guide!  The trees
                         told me he would show up!

                                   JOE
                         What the fuck are you talking
                         about?

                                   BOB
                         Just wait.

                                   LENNY
                         Cheerio, old chaps!  I saw your
                         aeroplane touch down, and something
                         compelled me to come out.

                                   JOE
                         Wait just a fuckin' minute!  Who
                         the hell are you?

                                   LENNY
                         Oh, terribly sorry, I'm afraid I
                         haven't properly introduced myself. 
                         My name's Leonard Blundersmythe,
                         but you can call me Lenny. I know
                         this rainforest better than anyone. 
                         I had a feeling that some important
                         people were coming, so I made sure
                         to prepare all the equipment.

                                   BOB
                         Great!  We can head out tomorrow!

                                   JOE
                         Slow the hell down!  What's this
                         shit about heading out tomorrow? 
                         How did you even know we were
                         coming?  And...why is Bob acting
                         like he knows you?

                                   BOB
                         Dude, the trees told me that we'd
                         find a guide when we landed.

                                   JOE
                         I know about your fuckin' trees. 
                         What did they do, tell him about
                         it?

                                   LENNY
                         I'm afraid you have a lot to learn
                         about nature, old chap.  

                                   BOB
                         Joe, just trust the man, okay? 
                         He's an explorer.

                                   JOE
                         I'm aware of that, but we just met
                         him!  Where are we even going?

                                   LENNY
                         Oh, I'll take care of that.  Some
                         big strong men have been working on
                         a section of trees not far from
                         here.  They're destroying the homes
                         of innocent creatures, and I want
                         to help you stop them.

                                   BOB
                         Yay!

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Dat's coo'.

                                   JOE
                         Fuck me.

                                   LENNY
                             (stares upward for a split
                              second, as if he's
                              considering the
                              possibility of fucking
                              JOE)
                         Um...well...it's getting dark.  I
                         have some spare sleeping bags you
                         blokes can use.  You'll be in the
                         lobby.  Remember, my door's always
                         open if you...need anything.

               LENNY subtly winks at JOE as he says "anything," then walks
               toward the "airport" in an unnecessarily bouncy fashion.

                                   JOE
                         Dude, I'm getting some weird vibes
                         from this guy.

                                   BOB
                         Relax, Joe.  He's just very happy. 
                         He obviously loves what he does.  

                                   JOE
                         ...I'm not even going to say it.

               The three walk toward the building.

                                                           DISSOLVE TO:

               INT. LENNY'S SHACK (THE "AIRPORT") - NIGHT

               JOE, BOB, and JUKEBOX lay on the floor in sleeping bags.  BOB
               and JUKEBOX are asleep, but JOE has his eyes open.

                                   BOB
                             (talking in his sleep)
                         Dude...I'm sorry...I didn't think
                         your saplings would mind...I tried
                         to tell them...dude!  Don't bring
                         that up!  He thought I was a chick!

                                   JUKEBOX
                             (rapping in his sleep)
                         Bitches an' hos, hos an' bitches,
                         any way ya say it, dey taste
                         delicious, so gimme dem titties,
                         dey lookin' so pretty, cuz I be da
                         chairman of da pimp committee...

               JOE stares at the ceiling looking agitated.  He glances over
               at LENNY'S door, which is cracked open.  It suddenly closes.

                                   JOE
                             (barely audible)
                         What the hell was he...?

               JOE shakes his head and goes to sleep.

                                                               FADE TO:

               INT. LENNY'S SHACK - MORNING

               JOE opens his eyes and looks around to find that the others
               are not around.  He slowly stands up.

                                   JOE
                         What the...?  Did they leave
                         without me?  Awesome!  Now I can-

                                   BOB
                             (from another room)
                         Joe, are you coming, dude?  We're
                         leaving in 10 minutes.

                                   JOE
                         That's...fantastic.

               JOE walks toward the other room.

                                                           DISSOLVE TO:

               EXT. THE JUNGLE - DAY

               LENNY leads the group through dense foliage, hacking away at
               plants with a machete.

                                   BOB
                         Dude, I thought we were here to
                         save the rainforest!  Why are you
                         hurting it?

                                   LENNY
                         Don't get your knickers in a twist,
                         Robert.  They'll grow back.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Yo, did you just say da N-word,
                         dawg?  You got no right to use dat.

                                   LENNY
                         "Knickers," Jukebox.  

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Oh.  Dat's coo'.

                                   JOE
                         Is anyone else worried that we have
                         no idea where we're going?

                                   LENNY
                         Oh, we'll be fine.  I told you,
                         they're cutting down trees less
                         than a kilometer from our location. 
                         Just enjoy all the fabulous scenery
                         for now.

                                   BOB
                         Dude, it's so majestic.  I feel
                         like I was meant to be here.  It's
                         like...my own personal sanctuary,
                         dude.

                                   JOE
                         Bob, first of all, that may be the
                         least original thing you've ever
                         said.  Second...shut up.

                                   LENNY
                         Oh my!  Look at these beautiful
                         trees!  The wood is so thick and
                         strong!  Doesn't it just make you
                         want to climb for hours?

                                   JOE
                         Um...no.  Can't say it does.

                                   LENNY
                         You're no fun.  

                                   BOB
                         I want to climb!  I want to commune
                         with Mother Nature and become one
                         with the forest!

                                   LENNY
                         Oh!  Well, there'll be plenty of
                         time for that later on.  For now,
                         just bring up the rear.  We're
                         penetrating deep into the bowels of
                         the jungle now!

                                   JOE
                             (whispering to JUKEBOX)
                         Weird vibes, Juke.  Very weird.

                                   JUKEBOX
                             (whispering to JOE)
                         I think he be one of dem
                         bruthafuckas.

                                   BOB
                             (loudly)
                         What are you guys talking about?

                                   JOE
                         Nothing.  Just keep communing with
                         nature.

                                   BOB
                         Sweet!

               BOB begins stopping every few seconds to lean close to plants
               and trees, as if he's listening to the "call of the forest"
               up close.

                                   JOE
                         Bob, really, what are you doing?  

                                   BOB
                         SHHHH!  I have to listen to the
                         tiny voices of nature!  Then, I
                         shall truly be one of them.

                                   JOE
                         You...want to be a plant now?

                                   BOB
                             (sighs)
                         You just don't understand what it's
                         like being the voice of the
                         oppressed.

                                   JOE
                         Believe me, I do.

                                   BOB
                         Is that supposed to-

                                   LENNY
                         SHH!  This is it!  Look!

               LENNY points to a gap between trees, and heavy machinery is
               visible in the distance.  Faint sounds can be heard.

                                   BOB
                         Oh no!  The evil ones!  What do we
                         do what do we do what do we do what
                         do we do...

                                   JOE
                             (under his breath)
                         I hope a tree falls on him.  Or me. 
                         Or both of us.  As long as he dies
                         first.

                                   LENNY
                         You see those awful men there? 
                         They're cutting down the majestic
                         trees to make paper.  Paper!

                                   BOB
                         Those bastards!

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Dey be rollin' chronic wit dat
                         paper?

                                   LENNY
                         No, I'm afraid not.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Fuck dem bitches den!

                                   JOE
                         Kill me now.

                                   LENNY
                         Everybody ready?

                                   BOB
                         Yes, sir!

                                   JOE
                         Ready for what?  Why do you two
                         always seem to know what's going
                         on?

                                   LENNY
                         As I said, love, you've got a lot
                         to learn about nature.

                                   JOE
                         Great.  I guess I'll...wait,
                         "love?"

                                   BOB
                         Who's going first, Mr.
                         Blendersmith?

               JOE headbutts a tree trunk, causing several birds to scatter.

                                   LENNY
                         I'll go first.  I've done this
                         before.  It's hot, sweaty work, but
                         it feels so good!

               JOE and JUKEBOX exchange weirded out looks.

                                   BOB
                         Good luck, Larry!

               LENNY walks quickly through the foliage, hacking through
               vines and leaves in his way.  He emerges in a clearing to
               find several machines parked among dozens of tree stumps. 
               The workers are standing around smoking, talking, eating,
               etc.  

                                   LENNY
                         What do you think you're doing?

                                   WORKER #1
                         I'm on break.  Fuck you.

                                   LENNY
                         Oh!  Cheeky devil, aren't we?

                                   WORKER #2
                         Back off, ya fuckin' fairy.

                                   LENNY
                         I say!

               At this point, another man emerges from the woods, zipping
               his fly as he walks toward LENNY and the workers.  He is
               HOWARD U. DEWING, the foreman of the operation.  He is a
               slightly pudgy, extremely grizzled gentleman of 52. He is
               wearing slightly nicer clothing than the rest, and is not as
               dirty or sweaty.  He also wears a huge cowboy hat with a
               Texas flag pin attached to it.

                                   HOWARD
                         Who are you, fella?  

                                   LENNY
                         I'm Leonard Blundersmythe, explorer
                         and freedom fighter extraordinaire. 
                         And just who the devil are you?

                                   HOWARD
                         You don't know?  I'm Howard U.
                         Dewing, the king of the jungle. 
                         Some folks call me "Mad How." 
                         Those folks tend to end up
                         mysteriously dead or crippled,
                         though.  

                                   LENNY
                         Are you in charge of this atrocity?

                                   HOWARD
                         I don't know what that word means,
                         but I am the head of this here
                         operation.  We're sendin' these
                         trees to the good ol' US of A. 
                         They're gonna be converted into
                         paper so chemical plants can keep
                         track of how much toxic waste they
                         dump into the ocean.

                                   LENNY
                         Do you realize what you're doing,
                         you fool?  Why, you're raping
                         Mother Nature, and not in a good
                         way!

                                   HOWARD
                         You sure like the sound of your own
                         voice, don't ya, pardner?  What are
                         you gonna do about it?  Yer just a
                         mangy varmint.  And I hate
                         varmints!!!

                                   LENNY
                         Is that so?  Well then, I guess
                         you're out of luck, because I have
                         a few more "varmints" I'd like you
                         to meet.  Come over here, boys!

               BOB, JUKEBOX, and, eventually, JOE emerge from the forest and
               join LENNY.

                                   BOB
                         You monster!  Stop this at once! 
                         Do you realize what happens when
                         you cut down trees?  They steal
                         your remote, dude!  Your remote!!!

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Yo, nigga, you be misusin' dem
                         trees.  If you don't be down wit'
                         da chronic, den you ain't no friend
                         of Jukebox.  Shee-it.

               JOE stands there staring at his feet.

                                   HOWARD
                             (to JOE)
                         Well?  Ain't you gonna say
                         anything, varmint?

                                   JOE
                         I...don't speak English.  Sorry.

                                   HOWARD
                         Oh.  Well, that's...wait a minute! 
                         You just did!  Well, fool me once,
                         shame on...shame on...you...you
                         fool...can't...get
                         fooled...again...well, however that
                         goes, you tried to pull one over on
                         me!  That's what varmints do, and I
                         hate varmints!

                                   JOE
                         All right, this is fucking stupid. 
                         Who the hell are you, and why are
                         Dumbert and Dumberd obsessed with
                         stopping you?

                                   HOWARD
                         I guess you missed the
                         introductions, pardner.  I'm Howard
                         U. Dewing, head of the most
                         successful timber company in these
                         parts.  We're cuttin' down these
                         fellas so they can go to a better
                         place.  And by better place, I mean
                         a printer.  And, eventually, a
                         trash can.  

                                   JOE
                         Wait...Howard U. Dewing?

                                   HOWARD
                         You've heard of me, I take it?

                                   JOE
                         No, I have no idea who the fuck you
                         are.  But...Howard U. Dewing?!

                                   HOWARD
                         Yep, that's my name.

                                   JOE
                         It's...just...that...

               A worker walks by to pick up a pack of cigarettes.  He stops
               and looks at the group.

                                   WORKER #3
                         Hey, how ya doin'?

                                   HOWARD
                         Now, Bill, I already told ya, it's
                         "Howard U. Dewing."  I don't know
                         what crazy accent yer sayin' it
                         with.

               The WORKER stares at HOWARD for a second, then shakes his
               head and walks away.

                                   HOWARD (CONT'D)
                         These crazy fellas are always
                         gettin' my name wrong.  But they
                         are good at cuttin' down trees.

                                   LENNY
                         Enough!  We demand that you stop
                         destroying the rainforest!  Don't
                         you know that lots of endangered
                         animals live here?  

                                   HOWARD
                         Well, serves 'em right for gettin'
                         in my way.

                                   LENNY
                         But how would you feel if someone
                         knocked down your home?

                                   HOWARD
                         I reckon I'd kill that varmint,
                         then move to one of my six other
                         homes.  Probably the one on the
                         beach.  Why?

                                   JOE
                         Can I go now?

                                   BOB
                         Don't let him intimidate you, my
                         friend!  He's not a machine!  He's
                         just a man!  A man, I tell you, a-

                                   JOE
                         Seriously, I can't take this
                         anymore.

                                   BOB
                         No, Joe, resist his mind games!

                                   JOE
                         What are you talking about?  I just
                         want to-

               A whistle blows, and the workers start to get up.

                                   HOWARD
                         Break's over, fellas!  Get back to
                         work!  These trees ain't gonna cut
                         themselves down!

                                   LENNY
                         Don't let them do it, boys!  Now is
                         the time for action!

                                   JOE
                         Leaving is an action.

               JOE starts to walk away.

                                   BOB
                         Joe!  Don't run away!

               BOB runs after JOE and tackles him as he tries to go back
               into the jungle.

                                   JOE
                         GAAAH!  What the fuck are you
                         doing?

                                   BOB
                         I'm not going to let you back out! 
                         These people can smell fear!

                                   JOE
                         Get off me, you fucking idiot!  I
                         want to go back to the airport.

                                   BOB
                         But what about our sacred mission?

                                   JOE
                         Our sacred mission?  This was your
                         stupid fucking idea.  Remember?

                                   BOB
                         But...we need you!

                                   JOE
                         No you don't.  Do I have to get the
                         knobsack again?

               Meanwhile, LENNY is trying to stop the workers from turning
               on their equipment.  He climbs into the cab of a backhoe, and
               the operator punches him in the stomach.  He falls to the
               ground.

                                   LENNY
                             (yelling to BOB and JOE)
                         I sure could use some help right
                         about now!

                                   BOB
                         Come on, Joe!  Let's go fulfill our
                         destiny!

                                   JOE
                             (begins to get up)
                         I hate you so much.

               BOB and JOE run over to LENNY and help him up.

                                   BOB
                         What should we do?

                                   LENNY
                         Well, I suggest that we...wait a
                         tick...where's Jukebox?

                                                                CUT TO:

               EXT. THE JUNGLE - DAY

               JUKEBOX and WORKER #3 lean against a tree
               smoking...something.

                                   WORKER #3
                         Ha ha ha!  "Big ol' titties!" 
                         That's awesome!

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Yeah, but I ain't seen none yet. 
                         'Cept for some nasty ol' man
                         titties.  Dag.

               JUKEBOX exhales loudly.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Yo, dis be some good shit, dawg! 
                         Where you got dis?

               WORKER #3 points to a plant next to his feet.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Oh, snap!  I love da jungle!

                                                                CUT TO:

               EXT. THE CLEARING - DAY

                                   LENNY
                         Everybody pick a target and stop
                         them at all costs!

                                   BOB
                         Charge!!!

               BOB runs toward a parked, unoccupied machine.

                                   BOB (CONT'D)
                         Don't you dare cut down any trees,
                         you big meanie!  What, aren't you
                         going to say anything?  You coward!

               BOB kicks one of the treads.

                                   BOB (CONT'D)
                         Ow!  Fight fair, cheater!

                                   JOE
                         I have to put up with this on a
                         regular basis, you know.

               LENNY finds HOWARD, lunges at him, and jumps on his back.

                                   LENNY
                         You're not going anywhere, mister!

                                   HOWARD
                         What the?  Get off, ya varmint!  

                                   LENNY
                         I don't do that kind of thing for
                         evil men like you!

                                   HOWARD
                         What?

               JOE strolls over to WORKER #2, who is now holding a chainsaw.

                                   JOE
                         So...you wanna stop cutting down
                         trees?  I bet you do.

                                   WORKER #2
                         Nope.

                                   JOE
                         Oh.  But I bet you do want to...you
                         know...stop cutting down trees.

               JOE nudges him, winks at him, and makes strange gestures.

                                   WORKER #2
                         Don't touch me.

                                   JOE
                         Well, I tried.

               JOE walks away as WORKER #2 revs up the saw.  Meanwhile,
               HOWARD suddenly leans forward and throws LENNY to the ground.

                                   LENNY
                         It's no good, boys!  Retreat!

               LENNY runs toward the jungle, and the others follow him.

                                                                CUT TO:

               EXT. THE JUNGLE - DAY

               LENNY, BOB, and JOE stand in a circle under some trees.  

                                   LENNY
                         I'm sorry, blokes.  I thought we
                         could handle them.

                                   BOB
                             (starting to tear up)
                         It's okay.  We...we tried.

                                   JOE
                         Now can we go?

                                   LENNY
                         Oh, we're not going anywhere.

                                   JOE
                         Fuck.

                                   LENNY
                         We need another plan of attack.  If
                         we can't take them on in their own
                         territory, maybe we can defeat them
                         in ours.

                                   JOE
                         What?  I thought you were an
                         explorer!  What other territory do
                         you have?

                                   LENNY
                         You'll find out soon enough.

               LENNY winks at him.

                                   JOE
                         O...kay...

               JUKEBOX emerges from behind them, carrying two armfuls of
               strange leaves.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Yo, da rainforest is da shiz-nit,
                         my niggas!  

                                   LENNY
                         Jukebox, why didn't you help us?

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Help you wit what?

                                   LENNY
                         Help us stop the evil ones!

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Oh, right, I remember.  Ass dem
                         fuck-bitches!  I mean...bitch dem
                         fuck-asses!  I mean...Ass-fuck bem
                         ditches...I mean...shee-it, what
                         was we talkin' bout?

               JUKEBOX loses his balance and falls over.

                                   LENNY
                         Is he going to be all right?

                                   JOE
                         Yeah, probably.  He does this every
                         couple days.  I caught him trying
                         to smoke one of his fake
                         houseplants once.

                                   BOB
                         Is the rainforest going to be okay,
                         Mr. Blindermouth?

               JOE winces as if he's in pain.

                                   LENNY
                         It will be if we don't give up,
                         Robert.  For now, I suggest we go
                         back to my place and devise a new
                         strategy.  There must be a way to
                         convince Mr. Dewing that he's
                         raping the planet!

                                                           DISSOLVE TO:

               INT. LENNY'S SHACK - NIGHT

               LENNY, BOB, and JOE sit around a table with numerous papers
               scattered on it.  JUKEBOX rests on a couch in the corner.

                                   LENNY
                         ...So you see, if we can just talk
                         some sense into Howard, the
                         rainforest may be spared.  The
                         question is...how?

                                   BOB
                         Hmmm...you should always "know thy
                         enemy," so...what do we know about
                         him?

                                   JOE
                         Holy shit!  Did Bob just say
                         something non-retarded?

                                   BOB
                         He did!  Wait...he's me...and
                         I'm...him...so that means
                         that...what did I say again?

                                   JOE
                         That's what I thought.

                                   LENNY
                         Robert is exactly right.

                                   JOE
                         I never thought I'd hear that
                         sentence.  We're doomed.

                                   LENNY
                         If we can get inside Mr.
                         Dewing's...

               JOE and JUKEBOX once again exchange weirded out looks.

                                   LENNY (CONT'D)
                         ...head, we can figure out how to
                         persuade him.  Gentlemen, this
                         calls for research!

               A montage follows, detailing their research.  BOB looks at
               book covers and tries to figure out how to open them. JOE
               starts taking notes, then gets distracted and draws a stick
               figure labeled "ME" hitting a stick figure labeled "BOB" with
               a baseball bat.  LENNY begins doing internet research on
               Howard U. Dewing. After a few seconds, he looks around to
               make sure he's alone, then begins typing something into the
               search bar.  When the camera cuts away, he has managed to
               type "anal," but it is unclear whether or not he intends to
               add "ysis."  JUKEBOX watches a TV show about Howard's
               company, but eventually changes the channel to BET. 

                                                           DISSOLVE TO:

               INT. LENNY'S SHACK - DAY

               TITLE: 2 Days Later

               LENNY, JOE, BOB, and JUKEBOX once again sit around the table.

                                   LENNY
                         So, what did we learn about Mr.
                         Dewing?

                                   BOB
                         His middle name is Uriah.

                                   LENNY
                         Okay...anything else?

                                   BOB
                         Was I supposed to learn more than
                         one thing?

               JOE leans forward and headbutts the table loudly.

                                   LENNY
                         Oh dear.  What about you two?

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Yo, I tried to find out 'bout dat
                         cracka-ass honky, but dey was
                         showing da "Big Booty Bitches"
                         marathon on TV.

                                   LENNY
                         Oh my.  And you?

                                   JOE
                         Give me a second.

               JOE takes out a piece of paper containing numerous drawings
               of the "ME" stick figure killing the "BOB" stick figure in
               nasty ways.  He crosses out every instance of "BOB" and
               replaces it with "HOWARD," then hands the paper to LENNY.

                                   LENNY
                             (looks it over)
                         This...really doesn't help us,
                         Joseph.

                                   JOE
                         Well, what did you find out?  You
                         were online for a good 8 hours
                         yesterday.

                                   LENNY
                         Oh, well...I...got distracted.

                                   JOE
                         By what?  

               LENNY doesn't answer, but points his eyes downward.

                                   JOE (CONT'D)
                         Damn it.  Never mind.

                                   LENNY
                         I think we need to work together
                         this time.

                                   JOE
                         Yeah, we could do that.  Or...we
                         could give up on this stupid idea
                         entirely and go home.  

                                   BOB
                         Don't you care about Mother Nature,
                         Joe?

                                   JOE
                         Look, I only came here because I
                         thought the tree in your yard was
                         after me.  But now that I think
                         about it...that's impossible.  I
                         just want to leave.

                                   LENNY
                         You still don't understand, do you? 
                         Nature can be very persuasive.

                                   JOE
                         More persuasive than you,
                         obviously, because I still want to
                         get the fuck out.  Juke, go fire up
                         Wings of Bling.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Yo, I ain't leavin' till we saves
                         da rainforest, dawg.

                                   JOE
                         What?  I thought you were on my
                         side, you traitor!

                                   JUKEBOX
                         But these plants be da shiz-nit,
                         son!  We can't just let 'em
                         disappear from da earf!

                                   JOE
                             (glaring at JUKEBOX)
                         Fine.  You win.  But go fire up the
                         plane anyway so I can walk into the
                         propellor and end my miserable
                         existence once and for all.

                                   BOB
                             (exaggerated and
                              melodramatic)
                         No!  Don't do it!  You have so much
                         to live for!  Think of the
                         children!  Only you can prevent
                         forest fires!  Pork, the other
                         white meat!!!  

                                   JOE
                         ...Bob, just a suggestion: Never
                         work for a suicide hotline.

                                   LENNY
                         Will you daft twits stop arguing so
                         we can focus on the task at hand? 
                         We're running out of time.

                                   JOE
                         All right, fine.  But you
                         motherfuckers are gonna owe me big
                         when this is over.

                                   LENNY
                             (suggestively)
                         Don't worry, I'll take care of
                         that.

                                   JOE
                         ...You'll...take...forget it.  What
                         should we do about Howard U.
                         Douchebag?

                                   BOB
                         Dewing, Joe.  His name is Howard U.
                         Dewing.

                                   JOE
                         How do you even find your way out
                         the door in the morning?

                                   LENNY
                         Enough!!!

               The others stare at LENNY in disbelief.

                                   LENNY (CONT'D)
                         ...Robert, you said that his middle
                         name is Uriah.  Where did you see
                         that?

                                   BOB
                         In here.

               BOB picks up a book and hands it to LENNY.

                                   BOB (CONT'D)
                         I was going to read more, but I
                         didn't think I'd find anything else
                         in a biology book.  Why was he in
                         there, anyway?

                                   LENNY
                         Robert, it says "biography," not
                         "biology."  This book is all about
                         Mr. Dewing!  Where did you find it?

                                   BOB
                         It fell out of his pocket when you
                         were fighting him the other day.

                                   JOE
                         And you picked it up because...?

                                   BOB
                         Because, dude.  The cover...it's
                         shiny.  Look at it.

               BOB picks up the book and waves it in JOE'S face.

                                   JOE
                         What the...?  Stop it!

               LENNY snatches the book out of BOB'S hand.

                                   BOB
                         Aw, nuts.

                                   LENNY
                         Hmm.  He carries his own biography
                         around with him.  Old fellow
                         certainly is full of himself.  But
                         now we have the advantage.  Let's
                         get to work!

                                   JOE
                         Wait a minute.  Last time we "got
                         to work," we wasted two days.  Do
                         you know what you're doing?

                                   LENNY
                         I know how to read, love.

                                   JOE
                         Stop calling me that!

                                   LENNY
                             (ignores JOE completely
                              and begins searching
                              through the biography)
                         Hmmm...Chapter Seven is all about
                         Mr. Dewing's ascent to power in the
                         lumber industry.  He bought out
                         most of his competitors early on,
                         then rose to the top practically
                         unopposed.  

                                   JOE
                         I didn't know the world of tree
                         chopping was so cutthroat.  What
                         did he do, throw leaves at them
                         until they gave up?

                                   BOB
                         Hey, that's how we got here!

                                   JOE
                         Don't remind me.

                                   LENNY
                         No.  It says here that he invited
                         his rivals to fancy restaurants,
                         then used his notorious charisma
                         and charm to get them on his side.  

                                   JOE
                         What charm?  He called us
                         "varmints!"

                                   LENNY
                         Apparently, he's also a very good
                         actor.  Almost all his dinner
                         guests had sold their businesses to
                         him by the time the check came. 
                         The rest were bankrupted in a
                         matter of weeks.

                                   JOE
                         And this helps us how?

                                   LENNY
                         Maybe we can use his own strategy
                         against him.  I know a very
                         expensive restaurant a few
                         kilometers from here.

                                   JOE
                         We're in the fuckin' jungle!

                                   LENNY
                         People who live in the jungle still
                         need to eat.

                                   JOE
                         Is this making sense to anyone?

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Fa-shizzle.

                                   BOB
                         Sure.  What's not to understand?

                                   JOE
                         ...I think I'm in a parallel
                         universe.

                                   LENNY
                         Look, if we can just talk him out
                         of working in this area, we can
                         call it a victory.

                                   JOE
                         But...if he bought people out...by
                         doing this...won't he have the
                         advantage?

                                   LENNY
                         Do you have a better idea?

                                   JOE
                             (thinks for a few seconds)
                         ...Fuck.  

                                   LENNY
                         Then it's settled!  We have to
                         contact Mr. Dewing and invite him
                         out for a little chit-chat.  Then,
                         when he least expects it, we'll use
                         our fine-tuned debating skills to
                         make him leave the rainforest
                         alone!

                                   BOB
                         I can do it!  I'm a master debater!

                                   JOE
                         ...I saw it coming, and I still
                         wasn't ready.

                                   LENNY
                         If I had a pound for every time
                         I've said that...

               The others once again stare at LENNY.

                                   LENNY
                         ...Oh!  Never mind.  I'll take care
                         of the dinner arrangements.

               LENNY gets up and walks to another room.

                                   BOB
                         I'm so excited!  We're gonna be
                         heroes!

                                   JOE
                         Bob, relax.  I'm trying to think.

                                   BOB
                         About what?  Is it ice cream? 
                         Because that stuff rocks, dude.

                                   JOE
                         ...No, it's not fucking ice cream.

                                   BOB
                         Aw, man.  I thought we were gonna
                         get ice cream.

                                   JOE
                         Do either of you find it strange
                         that Lenny just happens to know a
                         restaurant we can go to?  Or that
                         he apparently has Howard's phone
                         number?

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Shee-it, don't you hear da call of
                         da forest, dawg?  It explains
                         everythang.

               JOE stares at JUKEBOX for a few seconds, then turns to BOB.

                                   JOE
                         Bob, have you been spreading your
                         stupidity to others again?

                                   BOB
                         Yes, sir, I have.

                                   JOE
                         What did I tell you last time you
                         did that?

                                   BOB
                         ...I don't remember.

                                   JOE
                         Exactly, Bob.  Exactly. 
                         Now...wait, that didn't make any
                         sense.  Your fucking stupidity got
                         to me now, damn it!

                                                                CUT TO:

               INT. LENNY'S ROOM - DAY

               LENNY is on the phone, presumably with HOWARD.  The thrills
               never end with this script.  Wheeeeeeeee.

                                   LENNY
                         ...Oh, bollocks!  You're not too
                         busy for this.  It's a very
                         important matter.

               Pause.

                                   LENNY
                         ...Oh, very well.  You can bring a
                         guest.  But promise me you'll show
                         up.

               Pause.

                                   LENNY
                         ...I am not a bloody varmint!  Just
                         meet us there, and I'll explain
                         everything.  Goodbye.

               LENNY slams the phone into the receiver.

                                   LENNY
                         Wanker.

                                                                CUT TO:

               INT. LENNY'S SHACK - DAY

               LENNY walks into the room where the others have been talking.

                                   BOB
                         ...And then the squirrels relay it
                         to the chipmunks, who store it in
                         an oak tree until it turns a nice
                         golden brown.
                         At this time, they take it out of
                         the tree and put it on a raft,
                         which was constructed from the
                         remains of said oak tree...

                                   JOE
                         Ow, my head...

                                   LENNY
                         What are you chaps discussing?

                                   JOE
                         I think Bob's trying to explain the
                         "call of the forest," but I lost
                         track a couple minutes ago, so he
                         could be talking about ice cream
                         again for all I know.

                                   BOB
                         ...And then the badgers hit it with
                         small pieces of wood until it says
                         the magic word, which in this case
                         is "cream of wheat."  See, the
                         magic word is actually 3 words,
                         which is why nobody ever gets it. 
                         Are you following me?

                                   LENNY
                             (ignores BOB)
                         I managed to set up a meeting with
                         Mr. Dewing tomorrow evening.  We 
                         have until then to prepare our
                         arguments.  

                                   JOE
                         I was just planning to sit there
                         and watch, actually.

                                   LENNY
                         Oh, Joseph, you'll appreciate hands
                         on activities one day...

                                   JOE
                         What?

                                   LENNY
                             (ignores JOE)
                         Are you two going to help?

                                   BOB
                         Does the restaurant have ice cream?

                                   LENNY
                         Probably.

                                   BOB
                         I will help, then.

                                   LENNY
                         And you?

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Yo, there better be some waitresses
                         wit big ol' titties.  Dis nigga
                         told me there'd be titties in da
                         jungle.

                                   JOE
                         I thought there would be!

                                   LENNY
                         Just tell me if you're going to
                         help!

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Fa-shizzle, dawg.  I ain't lettin'
                         no crackas take all my shit.

                                   LENNY
                         Smashing!  You'd better start
                         getting ready now.  Mr. Dewing is
                         an experienced businessman, but we
                         have him outnumbered.

                                   JOE
                         Are you sure?  He seems like the
                         kind of guy who would bring a
                         couple bodyguards or something.

                                   LENNY
                         Well, he did say he was bringing a
                         guest, but I'm sure it's nobody of
                         consequence.

                                   JOE
                         Why am I getting a bad feeling
                         about this?

                                   BOB
                         Dude, have you changed your socks
                         lately?  That usually helps me feel
                         better.

                                   JOE
                         Bob, what the fuck are you talking
                         about?

                                   BOB
                         Socks, dude.  

                                   JOE
                         ...I'm going to go take a nap
                         before my head explodes.

               JOE walks to another room.

                                   BOB
                         He should really change his socks. 
                         You have no idea how much that
                         helps until you've tried it.

                                   LENNY
                         I'm sure it's lovely, Robert, but
                         we need to focus right now.  Unlike
                         certain people I've known, Mr.
                         Dewing won't go down easily.

                                   BOB
                         Don't worry, Mr. Blustersnout.

               The sound of JOE headbutting a piece of furniture can be
               heard from another room.

                                   BOB (CONT'D)
                         We have Mother Nature on our side. 
                         We can't lose!

                                   LENNY
                         I'm glad you're so confident.  Have
                         you decided on a strategy?

                                   BOB
                         Batteries?  For what?

                                   LENNY
                         Oh, dear.  We have a lot of work to
                         do.

                                                               FADE TO:

               INT. LENNY'S CAR - EVENING

               TITLE: The next night

               LENNY drives along a dirt road.  BOB sits in the passenger
               seat, with JOE and JUKEBOX in the back.

                                   LENNY
                         Almost there.  I hope our practice
                         paid off.

                                   BOB
                         I know kung-fu.

                                   JOE
                         Why did you let him watch "The
                         Matrix" before we left?

                                   LENNY
                         I thought it would help him focus.

                                   BOB
                         Dude...it's all an illusion,
                         dude...

                                   JOE
                         See, his brain can only hold so
                         much information at once.  He
                         probably forgot everything you've
                         told him over the past 36 hours.

                                   LENNY
                         Oh.  Well, I'm sure he'll be fine.

                                   JOE
                         You obviously don't know him very
                         well.

                                                                CUT TO:

               EXT. THE RESTAURANT - EVENING

               LENNY'S car pulls into the parking lot.

                                   LENNY
                         Here we are.  Mr. Dewing said he
                         would meet us inside.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Let's go fuck up dat bitch!

                                   BOB
                         Don't let him into Zion, dude!

                                   JOE
                         This is the worst week of my life.

                                   LENNY
                         Oh, cheer up.  It's time to save
                         the rainforest!

               They exit the car and walk in.  

                                                                CUT TO:

               INT. THE RESTAURANT - EVENING

               LENNY, BOB, JOE, and JUKEBOX enter the restaurant.  A WAITER
               greets them.  He is rather effeminate, a sort of food service
               Christopher Lowell. 

                                   WAITER
                         Good evening!  Is this a party of
                         four?

                                   LENNY
                         Actually, we're here to meet
                         someone.  Did a Howard U. Dewing
                         come in recently?  

                                   WAITER
                         I don't think so.  

                                   LENNY
                         Hmm.  I don't see him, either.  We
                         must have gotten here first.

                                   JOE
                         He probably flaked out on us.

                                   LENNY
                         Stop being so negative, Joseph.  

                                   WAITER
                         Oh, be nice.  Do you still want a
                         table?

                                   LENNY
                         Yes, please.  But make sure there's
                         room for six people.

                                   WAITER
                         Super!  Right this way!

               The WAITER leads them to a table, and they sit down.

                                   WAITER (CONT'D)
                         I'll be back to take your orders in
                         a few minutes.  

                                   LENNY
                             (looks at the WAITER'S
                              name tag)
                         Thank you very much...Justyn.  

               The WAITER walks away in a very LENNY-ish fashion.

                                   LENNY (CONT'D)
                         I'm rather fond of that fellow. 
                         Pleasant chap.

                                   JOE
                         Yeah...let's not talk about that.

                                   BOB
                         I'm so nervous...he's gonna be here
                         any minute...what if he tries to
                         kill us?  He's got agents
                         everywhere!  And you can't tell who
                         they are, dude!

                                   JOE
                         This is what I was talking about.

                                   LENNY
                         Robert, why are we here?

                                   BOB
                         To destroy the machines!

                                   LENNY
                         No...we're here to save the
                         rainforest.  Do you remember the
                         strategies I taught you?

                                   BOB
                         Deja vu is caused by glitches.

                                   LENNY
                         What?

                                   JOE
                         You fucked up big time, Lenny. 
                         He's totally clueless now.

                                   LENNY
                         Robert!  Focus!  Listen to the call
                         of the forest!

               BOB stares at the ceiling as if he's in a trance.

                                   BOB
                         ...Dude...I can hear it...I
                         remember now!  Howard must be
                         stopped!  The rainforest needs us! 
                         Then, the remote will be mine!!!

                                   JOE
                         ...How did you do that?

                                   LENNY
                         How many times do I have to tell
                         you?  Nature is very persuasive.

                                   JOE
                         I'm going to wake up any second
                         now.  Come on, morning...

               At that moment, HOWARD enters the building.  He is still
               wearing a huge cowboy hat, but now has a suit and bolo tie as
               well.  He converses with the WAITER, but no dialogue is
               audible.  He points toward the table where the others are
               sitting, and the WAITER leads him over.

                                   HOWARD
                         Howdy, fellas.  I hope this is
                         important.  Time is money, you
                         know.  And I like money.

                                   LENNY
                         Have a seat, Mr. Dewing.  We have
                         some very important matters to
                         discuss with you.

               HOWARD sits down.

                                   HOWARD
                         You know, since you varmints tried
                         to sabotage my operation, you
                         shouldn't be actin' all high and
                         mighty.  I'm only here because I'm
                         a gentleman, dagnabbit.

                                   LENNY
                         We sincerely appreciate it.

                                   HOWARD
                         You'd dang well better, varmint.

                                   LENNY
                             (under his breath)
                         Bloody wanker.

                                   HOWARD
                         What was that?

                                   LENNY
                         I said "jolly thank you!"

               JOE gives LENNY a strange look.

                                   HOWARD
                         You crazy foreigners.  Anyway, what
                         did y'all want to talk to me about? 
                         Are you gonna pay for the five
                         minutes you cost me?

                                   LENNY
                         What we have to talk about is more
                         important than money.  It's about
                         the survival of the planet.

                                   HOWARD
                         Don't give me any of that got-dang
                         tree huggin' hippy stuff!  

                                   LENNY
                         It's a vital issue!

               The WAITER interrupts.

                                   WAITER
                         Hey, how are we doing?

                                   HOWARD
                         What the?  Don't call me Howie! 
                         Only varmints call me that!  You
                         ain't a varmint, are ya?

               The WAITER stares at HOWARD, then perks up again.

                                   WAITER
                         ...I'll take that as a "super!" 
                         Are you ready to order?

                                   HOWARD
                         Hmm...I'll take a bowl of soup to
                         start.

                                   WAITER
                         ...Any particular kind?

                                   HOWARD
                         Surprise me, varmint.

                                   WAITER
                         Okay.  Anyone else?

                                   LENNY
                         I'll take a tofu burger with
                         brussels sprouts and extra
                         asparagus.

               JOE dry heaves in the background.

                                   WAITER
                         Oh, that's a super-duper choice!  

                                   BOB
                         Give me the red pill...no, wait,
                         the blue pill...no, wait...

                                   JOE
                         I'm not really hungry right now.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Unless I can order big ol' titties,
                         I ain't ready.

                                   WAITER
                         I'll give you three a few more
                         minutes to make up your minds,
                         then.  Your soup will be here
                         shortly, sir.

                                   HOWARD
                         It better be, consarn it.

               The WAITER walks away.  The others sit in awkward silence for
               a few seconds, then BOB bursts into laughter.

                                   JOE
                         What the fuck is so funny?

                                   BOB
                             (in between fits of
                              laughter)
                         Dude...his name...it's "how are you
                         doing," dude!  That's the funniest
                         thing ever!  Dude!!!

                                   HOWARD
                         Is that varmint makin' fun of me?

                                   JOE
                         Just leave him alone.  He's very
                         "special."

                                   BOB
                             (in a mocking tone)
                         How are you doing, Howard U.
                         Dewing?  Bwahahaha!!!

                                   LENNY
                         Can we get back to business,
                         please?

               BOB keeps laughing, but does it quietly.

                                   HOWARD
                         Might as well.  You were in the
                         middle of explaining how you're a
                         dirty tree-huggin' son of a bitch,
                         I believe.

                                   LENNY
                         Look, insults won't get us
                         anywhere.

               LENNY glares at BOB, who is still trying to stifle his
               laughter.

                                   LENNY (CONT'D)
                         We're all adults.  We can discuss
                         this in a mature fashion.

                                   HOWARD
                         You should've thought of that
                         before you attacked my employees.

                                   LENNY
                         I admit that we were a bit hasty,
                         but that's why we invited you here. 
                         We believe that it's in your best
                         interests to stop cutting down
                         trees.

                                   HOWARD
                         How do you figure?  Cuttin' down
                         trees is how I make money.  Unless
                         you can explain how not makin'
                         money is good, you're outta luck,
                         partner.

               The WAITER returns with a bowl of soup and hands it to
               HOWARD.

                                   WAITER
                         Here you go!  

                                   HOWARD
                         What kind of soup is this?

                                   WAITER
                         They didn't tell me.

                                   HOWARD
                         Good.  I like surprises.

                                   WAITER
                         Your burger will be out shortly. 
                         Are the rest of you ready to order
                         yet?

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Yo, can I get some chicken and
                         beer, dawg?

                                   WAITER
                         Sure. Anything else?

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Naw, I'm coo'.

                                   BOB
                         Can I get the spaghetti in the form
                         of Os?

                                   WAITER
                         I don't think so.

                                   BOB
                         Aw.  Just give me the spaghetti,
                         then.

                                   JOE
                             (smirks at LENNY)
                         What has the most meat in it?

                                   WAITER
                         That would be the steak.

                                   JOE
                         Yeah, give me two of those.

                                   WAITER
                         Super!  Anyone else?

                                   HOWARD
                         Give me a couple of them steaks,
                         too.

                                   LENNY
                         You people disgust me!!!

               The others stare at LENNY.

                                   LENNY (CONT'D)
                         ...Sorry.  Happy thoughts...

                                   WAITER
                         I'll be back.  Let me know if you
                         need anything.

               The WAITER walks away.

                                   LENNY
                         Now, as I was saying, we think that
                         leaving the rainforest could
                         actually help your business.  Don't
                         you at least want to hear how?

                                   HOWARD
                         Aw, calm down, partner.  Let me eat
                         my soup.

               HOWARD takes something out of his pocket.  It appears to be a
               cellular phone with a spoon attached to the bottom.

                                   JOE
                         Holy shit!  Is that what I think it
                         is?

                                   HOWARD
                         Heh.  I reckon.  This here's a
                         spone.

                                   BOB
                         ...There is no spone. 

               JOE headbutts the back of his chair.

                                   HOWARD
                         Well, you're close. They are very
                         rare.  I don't know how I ever got
                         along without this contraption.  

                                   JOE
                         Whoa.  Spones kick ass.  I
                         mean...it's a spoon...but it has a
                         phone attached!  Man, you rock,
                         Howard.

               HOWARD begins eating soup with his spone.

                                   HOWARD
                         You know, I like you, fella. 
                         What's your name?

                                   JOE
                         I'm Joe.  

                                   HOWARD
                         Well, Joe, how would you like to
                         work in the lumber industry?

                                   JOE
                         Tell me more...

                                   LENNY
                             (exasperated)
                         Joseph, what are you doing?

                                   JOE
                         Negotiating.

                                   LENNY
                         I'm sorry, Mr. Dewing.  Joseph
                         sometimes forgets why he's with us.

                                   JOE
                         I didn't forget.  I just don't give
                         a flying fuck.

                                   LENNY
                         Please don't do this.

                                   JOE
                         Why?  It's fun.

                                   LENNY
                         But you-

               HOWARD'S spone rings.

                                   HOWARD
                         Excuse me a second, fellas.  I've
                         gotta take this call.

                                   JOE
                         Spones rock, dude.

               HOWARD begins talking to the person on the spone.  While
               eating soup.

                                   HOWARD
                         Yep...where were you?  Well, I'm
                         sure it wasn't too
                         expensive...you're already late! 
                         Hurry up...fine.  See you soon.

               HOWARD closes the phone, but continues eating soup.

                                   HOWARD (CONT'D)
                         That was my guest.  She'll be here
                         in a couple minutes.  Sorry about
                         that.

                                   JOE
                         Oh, "she" will, eh?  Hmmm...

                                   LENNY
                         Joseph, please.

                                   BOB
                         Who's coming?  Is it the oracle?  I
                         need answers, Morpheus!

                                   LENNY
                         Robert!  Listen!  Now!

                                   BOB
                             (entering his trance state
                              again)
                         ...The call, dude.

                                   HOWARD
                         Are you fellas all right?  

                                   LENNY
                         We're fine.  We're just...hungry,
                         that's all.

                                   HOWARD
                         Well, I reckon I'd be hungry too if
                         I ate nothing but tofu and
                         vegetables.

                                   LENNY
                         That's not important.  Just listen
                         to our proposal.  Robert, do you
                         have the note cards?

                                   BOB
                         ...Oops.

                                   LENNY
                         Oh.  That's...lovely.  Well, I'm
                         sure we'll remember everything. 
                         Joseph, you can start us off.

                                   JOE
                             (robotically)
                         ...Fine.  Mr. Dewing, we believe
                         that you are endangering your
                         business by cutting down more trees
                         than you can replace.

                                   LENNY
                             (with much more
                              enthusiasm)
                         We feel that if you slow down and
                         give the trees time to grow, you
                         can actually make more money in the
                         end.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         It's like dis, dawg: If you back
                         off, there'll be more chronic, and
                         more bling.  Win win, biatch.

                                   BOB
                         Unfortunately, no one can be told
                         what the Matrix is. You have to see
                         it for yourself. 

               LENNY winces.

                                   LENNY
                         Try again, Robert.

                                   BOB
                         Uh, I mean...um...line?

                                   LENNY
                         Oh, bollocks.  I'll finish.  If you-

               As he starts to talk, HOWARD turns and looks toward the door.

                                   HOWARD
                         Howdy, sweetheart!

                                   LENNY
                         ...Are you talking to me?

                                   JOE
                         I sure hope not.

               As JOE finishes, a woman walks up to the table.  She is
               HOWARD'S 24 year-old daughter, EVE L. DEWING.  She has long
               blonde hair and large boobies (hooray for professionalism),
               and is wearing a red, low-cut dress.  The others (except
               LENNY) stare at her in disbelief for a few seconds as she
               sits down.

                                   EVE
                         Sorry I was late, Daddy.  

                                   HOWARD
                         Oh, that's all right.  You didn't
                         miss anything.  Fellas, this is my
                         daughter, Eve L. Dewing.

                                   JOE
                             (starts to say something,
                              then hesitates)
                         ...That...sounds...great.

                                   LENNY
                         I take it this is your guest?

                                   HOWARD
                         Yep.  She helps me out with my
                         business dealings.  Says she wants
                         to follow in my footsteps.

               JOE appears to be drooling, and his eyes are slightly glazed.

                                   LENNY
                         Well, it's nice to meet you, Miss
                         Dewing.  I'm Leonard Blundersmythe,
                         and I was in the middle of telling
                         your father how he can improve his
                         business.

                                   EVE
                         Oooh, sounds exciting!

                                   LENNY
                         Believe me, it is.  Now, as I was
                         saying...or, as Robert was trying
                         to say...

                                   BOB
                             (quietly)
                         What is the Matrix?

                                   LENNY
                         ...If you move to less endangered
                         parts of the planet, you'll
                         actually find more trees, and
                         you'll allow more to grow. 
                         Jukebox, I believe you can help me
                         explain.

                                   JUKEBOX
                             (mesmerized and staring at
                              EVE'S chest)
                         Tig ol' bitties...

                                   LENNY
                         Jukebox!

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Dey is like...big...yo...

                                   LENNY
                         I'm terribly sorry.  We did
                         rehearse this.  Joseph, can you
                         lend a hand?

                                   JOE
                             (also mesmerized and
                              talking to himself in
                              half-words and grunts)
                         ...want to...OOF...and
                         then...POW...yeah...

                                   LENNY
                         You're all bloody mad!

               LENNY gets up and storms off.  As he walks away, EVE seems to
               be staring at him.

                                   BOB
                         Mr. Butterscotch, come back!

               BOB gets up and runs after LENNY.

                                   HOWARD
                         Crazy varmints.

                                   JOE
                             (to EVE)
                         So...you're...you, then?

                                   EVE
                             (still vaguely staring in
                              the direction LENNY went)
                         ...Yep...I'm me...

                                   JOE
                         And...that
                         makes...us...two...things.

                                   EVE
                         Two of 'em...

                                   HOWARD
                         Snap out of it!  What's gotten into
                         you?

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Yo, did you just say "oh, snap,"
                         dawg?  Crackas can't be saying dat
                         shit!

                                   HOWARD
                         What?  

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Are you some kinda racist, ya damn
                         cracka-ass honky?

                                   HOWARD
                         What in tarnation are you talkin'
                         about?

                                   JUKEBOX
                         My people is free!  We don't need
                         hatas like you, ya muthafuckin'
                         white-ass bitch!

                                   HOWARD
                         You're outta your mind!!!

                                                                CUT TO:

               INT. THE RESTAURANT BATHROOM - NIGHT

               LENNY stands in front of a mirror splashing water on his
               face.  BOB tries to console him.

                                   LENNY
                         We tried so hard, Robert.  We went
                         over everything...and it all fell
                         apart.

                                   BOB
                         No!  Don't give up!  You are The
                         One!

                                   LENNY
                         Will you stop that bloody Matrix
                         rubbish?  You're not helping.

                                   BOB
                         ...Sorry, dude.  I'm just having
                         trouble hearing the forest right
                         now.  It's like Howard U. Dewing...

               BOB stops to laugh at HOWARD'S name.

                                   BOB (CONT'D)
                         ...is messing with my brain.  He's
                         so powerful.

                                   LENNY
                         I know, Robert, I know.  But I
                         thought the four of us could handle
                         him.  I was such a bloody fool.

                                   BOB
                         Maybe it's not too late.  I think I
                         can remember most of my lines now.

                                   LENNY
                         Are you sure?

                                   BOB
                         No.

                                   LENNY
                         ...Well, can you at least act like
                         you're sure?

                                   BOB
                         Probably not.

                                   LENNY
                         ...Then why did you bother bringing
                         it up?

                                   BOB
                         Dude, don't ask me.  This stuff
                         just happens.

                                   LENNY
                         I think we've been beaten.  Let's
                         just go get the others and leave.

                                   BOB
                             (inexplicably animated)
                         No!  Not after all we've been
                         through! 
                         The day is still ours for the
                         saving!  Do you know where your
                         children are?  Be cool about fire
                         safety!!!

                                   LENNY
                         Oh, dear.  At least you can hear
                         the call again.  Let's give it one
                         more try.

                                   BOB
                         I'm ready, dude.  I'm so ready,
                         that...I'm...ready.

                                   LENNY
                         Brilliant.

                                                                CUT TO:

               INT. THE RESTAURANT - NIGHT

               The others are still at the table, but are now arguing
               amongst one another.

                                   HOWARD
                         I'm telling you, I'm not a racist! 
                         Only varmints are racists!

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Den why do you be hatin' on my
                         peeps, muthafucka?

                                   JOE
                             (still trying to talk to
                              EVE coherently)
                         You...liking...thing...ies?

                                   EVE
                             (seems to be back to
                              normal)
                         Excuse me?

                                   JOE
                         Know what me said do you.  Me what
                         said you to.

                                   EVE
                         You're starting to scare me.

                                   JOE
                         Don't worry, it happens all the
                         time.  

                                   EVE
                         I can see why.

               LENNY and BOB walk back out.  EVE swoons as LENNY sits down
               and starts talking.

                                   LENNY
                         Mr. Dewing, after a very serious
                         discussion, Robert and I have
                         decided to try and finish our
                         proposal.

                                   HOWARD
                         First, tell this varmint to stop
                         insulting me!

                                   LENNY
                         Jukebox?  

                                   HOWARD
                         Whatever his name is, make him
                         stop!

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Dis muthafucka's a racist, L
                         Dizzle.  Don't listen to him.

                                   LENNY
                         Jukebox, relax.  We're not here to
                         start a fight.  Now, where did we
                         leave off?

                                   BOB
                         I think it was Joe's turn.

                                   JOE
                             (under his breath)
                         Fuck...

                                   LENNY
                         Very well.  Joseph, go ahead.

                                   JOE
                         You owe me.  You owe me big.

                                   LENNY
                             (putting emphasis on "end"
                              instead of "my")
                         Don't worry, I'll hold up my end.

               LENNY winks at JOE.

                                   JOE
                         You'll...hold up your...ugh.  Never
                         mind.  Anyway, we think there are
                         better ways to go about making
                         money, so you should explore other
                         options and let the rainforest
                         flourish.  The rainforest is home
                         to some of the rarest plants and
                         animals on the planet...

               As JOE continues with random tree-hugging statistics, HOWARD
               subtly gestures to EVE, who leans back and puts her hands
               behind her head as if she's yawning.  JOE stares at her chest
               and is suddenly paralyzed again.

                                   JOE (CONT'D)
                         So...the...rainfortits...I
                         mean...rainforbreasts...I
                         mean...uh...boo...bies...the...aw,
                         fuck it.

               JOE gets up and runs to the bathroom.

                                   LENNY
                         Oh my.  Jukebox, can you pick up
                         where he left off?

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Fa-shizzle.  It's payback time,
                         biatch.  Ya see, you'll get more
                         bling and hos and shit if you go to
                         a place that don't be all
                         endangered, yo.  Da rainforest gots
                         chronic too muthafuckin' good to
                         waste.  I understand that y'all
                         needs paper, I do too, but dag, yo! 
                         I don't be rollin' wit no rare
                         trees!

                                   HOWARD
                         What in the Sam Hill did you just
                         say?

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Look, I'm trying to tell you...

               As JUKEBOX gets more and more Ebonicstastic, EVE
               "accidentally" drops her fork.  She conspicuously bends over
               to pick it up, and JUKEBOX stares at her big ol' booty.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         ...And I cannot lie, you otha
                         bruthas can't deny, that dat be a
                         big ol'...badonkadonkadonka....

               JUKEBOX gets up and heads toward the bathroom.

                                   BOB
                         Where's everyone going?  Did they
                         drink too much?

                                   LENNY
                         Robert, just pick it up from there.

                                   BOB
                         Okay.  Mr. Dewing...uh...you're a
                         guy...who...does things...and we
                         think you should...not do some of
                         those things.  Anymore.  

                                   LENNY
                         Oh, enough!  Mr. Dewing, you're a
                         stupid, ugly, planet-raping, evil
                         man, and I hope you die a painful
                         death.  Goodbye.

               LENNY gets up, grabbing BOB as he walks away.  

                                   HOWARD
                         Well, looks like we win again. 
                         Thanks for your help.

                                   EVE
                             (staring at LENNY)
                         ...Yeah...

                                   HOWARD
                         Are you okay?

               EVE doesn't answer, but gets up and walks in the direction
               LENNY went.

                                   HOWARD
                         Hmm.  More food for me.

               HOWARD takes out his spone and keeps eating soup.

                                                                CUT TO:

               EXT. THE PARKING LOT - NIGHT

               LENNY and BOB run out the front door of the restaurant and
               stop next to LENNY'S car.

                                   LENNY
                         Robert, you told me you remembered
                         your lines!

                                   BOB
                         I did?

                                   LENNY
                         Yes!

                                   BOB
                         That's news to me.

                                   LENNY
                         I give up.  It's over.

                                   BOB
                         But...what about the rainforest?

                                   LENNY
                         We've done all we can.  We should
                         find a new cause.  I hear the
                         whales are in dire need of saving.

                                   BOB
                             (looks at the tires on
                              LENNY'S car)
                         They look fine to me.

                                   LENNY
                         I said "whales," not "wheels."

                                   BOB
                         Oh.

               EVE walks up behind them.

                                   EVE
                         Why'd you take off like that?

                                   LENNY
                         Because your evil father had the
                         upper hand.  And don't act like you
                         didn't know what was going on.

                                   EVE
                         What do you mean?  I just wanted to
                         watch him in action.

                                   LENNY
                         Don't give me that rubbish.  I saw
                         what you were doing.  You should be
                         ashamed of yourself.

                                   EVE
                         ...I...just...

               EVE starts to lose her composure as LENNY becomes more
               forceful.

                                   LENNY
                         We were on a sacred mission!  Can't
                         you understand that?  

                                   EVE
                         All right, I admit it.  I've been
                         helping Daddy with his business
                         deals for years.  We do this every
                         time.

                                   LENNY
                         What?

                                   EVE
                         Think about it.  How long has he
                         been at the top of the industry?

                                   LENNY
                         ...About five years.

                                   EVE
                         Didn't you ever wonder how he got
                         there so fast?

                                   LENNY
                         According to his biography, he used
                         his outstanding charisma.  Are you
                         telling me he just used you?

                                   EVE
                         'Fraid so.  Ever since I turned 18,
                         he's been bringing me to all these
                         dinners.

                                   LENNY
                         So his competitors sold their
                         companies because they were
                         distracted?

                                   EVE
                         Yep.  My job is to make sure
                         they're not paying attention to the
                         fine print when they sign a
                         contract.  I feel so bad about it. 

                                   LENNY
                         Wait a tick...why are you
                         confessing to me?  

                                   EVE
                         I don't know...you just seem
                         different somehow.  I like a man
                         who believes in himself.

                                   LENNY
                         Would you be willing to help us
                         save the rainforest?

                                   EVE
                         What do I have to do?

                                   LENNY
                         I'll explain it to you.  First,
                         we...wait, where's Robert? 

                                                                CUT TO:

               INT. A PHONE BOOTH - NIGHT

               BOB is yelling into a pay phone at the edge of the lot.

                                   BOB
                         I need an exit!  They're coming for 
                         me!

                                   OPERATOR (O.S.)
                         Sir, you need to calm down!

               LENNY sees him.

                                   LENNY
                         Oh, dear.  Excuse me a moment.

               LENNY runs over to the phone booth.

                                                                CUT TO:

               INT. THE RESTAURANT - NIGHT

               HOWARD sits at the table, still eating soup. The WAITER
               approaches.

                                   WAITER
                         Where did the rest of your group
                         go?

                                   HOWARD
                         Danged if I know.

                                   WAITER
                         So I suppose you'll be paying for
                         all this?

                                   HOWARD
                         What?  No!  This was their idea!

                                   WAITER
                         Someone has to pay.

                                   HOWARD
                         Well, it ain't gonna be me,
                         varmint.

                                   WAITER
                         I think the manager will decide
                         that!

               The WAITER walks toward the kitchen.

                                   HOWARD
                         Get back here!

               HOWARD gets up and chases the WAITER.  Meanwhile, JOE and
               JUKEBOX return from the bathroom to find the table empty.

                                   JOE
                         Where the fuck did they go?

                                   JUKEBOX
                         He probably went to oppress some
                         more of my peoples, dawg.  Dat
                         muthafuckin' racist bitch.

               HOWARD'S voice cuts into the background.

                                   HOWARD (O.S.)
                         Just a cotton-pickin' minute!  I
                         never said I would pay!  Those
                         varmints lied to me!

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Did you hear dat?

                                   JOE
                         Yeah.  Why?

                                   JUKEBOX
                         He called me a cotton picker, son! 
                         I'ma go fuck dat bitch up!

               JUKEBOX walks over to the kitchen.

                                   JOE
                         Hmm...

               JOE sees an unused napkin on the table, along with the pen
               the WAITER had brought for HOWARD to sign the check.  He
               suddenly gets an idea.

                                   JOE (CONT'D)
                         If I can't talk to her...maybe I
                         can express my feelings in writing. 
                         Now, what was her name again? 
                         Evil...something...oh, well. 
                         She'll know it's for her.

               JOE picks up the pen and begins writing on the napkin,
               reading out loud as he goes.

                                   JOE (CONT'D)
                         ...I sometimes get nervous when I
                         talk to people, but I want to let
                         you know how I really feel.  I've
                         never met anyone like you before,
                         and I would be honored...

               JOE continues writing, but slowly trails off.  He signs the
               napkin and leaves it on the table.

                                   JOE (CONT'D)
                         She'll come back and see it, and
                         then the boobies will be mine!  I
                         mean...she will...aw, hell, who am
                         I kidding?  I only care about the
                         boobies.

               JOE walks toward the kitchen.

                                                                CUT TO:

               EXT. THE PARKING LOT - NIGHT

               EVE, LENNY, and BOB stand next to LENNY'S car discussing
               their plan.

                                   LENNY
                         Do you understand?

                                   EVE
                         I do.  Don't worry, he'll listen to
                         me.  

                                   LENNY
                         Do you understand, Robert?

                                   BOB
                         I understand perfectly, Morpheus. 
                         Trinity will be safe with me.

                                   EVE
                         My name's not Trinity.

                                   BOB
                         Yes it is!

                                   LENNY
                         Robert!  The call!  Listen!

               BOB spaces out.

                                   BOB
                         ...Oh, right.  Yeah, I know what to
                         do.

                                   LENNY
                         Are you sure this time?

                                   BOB
                         As sure as I'll ever be.

                                   LENNY
                         Why doesn't that make me feel
                         better?

                                   BOB
                         Dude, you're starting to sound like
                         Joe.  How long have you been
                         wearing those socks?

                                   LENNY
                         ...Never mind.  We'll do our best. 
                         It's all we can hope for.

               They head back inside.

                                                                CUT TO:

               INT. THE RESTAURANT - NIGHT

               LENNY, EVE, and BOB enter and find the table empty.

                                   LENNY
                         Bloody hell!  Where did they go?

                                   EVE
                         Wait...I think I hear Daddy's
                         voice.  They must have tried to
                         make him pay again.

                                   LENNY
                         Well, go find him.  I'll stay here
                         in case the others get back.

                                   BOB
                         What about me?

                                   LENNY
                         You...you can guard the entrance
                         and make sure nobody leaves.

                                   BOB
                         Can I get some ice cream first?

                                   LENNY
                         No!

                                   BOB
                         Aw.  Fine, I'm going.

               BOB walks toward the entrance.  LENNY stays at the table. 
               After a few seconds, he notices JOE'S napkin note.

                                   LENNY
                         What's this?

               LENNY picks it up and starts to read it.

                                   LENNY (CONT'D)
                         ...I sometimes get nervous when I
                         talk to people...

               LENNY continues reading the note under his breath.

                                   LENNY (CONT'D)
                         ...Love, Joe.  

               He suddenly becomes extremely animated.

                                   LENNY (CONT'D)
                         I knew it!  He does care about me! 
                         He was just too shy to admit it!

               LENNY puts the napkin in his pocket and walks away to try and
               find JOE.

                                                                CUT TO:

               INT. THE KITCHEN - NIGHT

               HOWARD argues with the MANAGER while JOE and JUKEBOX watch
               from a distance.  

                                   HOWARD
                         Look, ya mangy varmint, I'm only
                         payin' for the soup!  

                                   MANAGER
                         We've been over this five times
                         now.  If the rest of your group
                         left, you have to pay.  

                                   HOWARD
                         Do you know who I am?

                                   MANAGER
                         Yes, and I don't care.  I need
                         money as much as you do.  Now are
                         you going to pay for your meal, or
                         do I have to have you arrested for
                         theft?

                                   HOWARD
                         You don't know what you're getting
                         into, do ya?

                                   JUKEBOX
                         I can't take it anymore!  Dis
                         muthafucka's goin' down!

               JUKEBOX walks over to HOWARD.

                                   HOWARD
                         Look!  There's one of the varmints
                         who ran off!  Pay for your chicken
                         and beer, freeloader!

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Are you callin' me lazy, you racist
                         muthafucka?

                                   JOE
                         That's it.  I'm outta here.

               JOE turns to leave, but runs into EVE on the way out.  They
               both stop for a second.

                                   JOE (CONT'D)
                         Oh, it's boo-I mean...you.  So,
                         read any good napkins lately?

                                   EVE
                         What?

                                   JOE
                         You know...napkins...

               JOE winks.

                                   EVE
                         Excuse me.

               EVE pushes past him and walks over to HOWARD.  

                                   JOE
                         I am so in.

                                   EVE
                         There you are!  Why do you always
                         have to do this?

                                   HOWARD
                         Not now, honey.  Daddy's teaching
                         this varmint who's boss.  

                                   MANAGER
                         I'm calling the police.

                                   HOWARD
                         You low-down son of a...ah, hell,
                         I'm gettin' out of here.  Let's go.

               HOWARD grabs EVE'S arm and pulls her away as he runs from the
               kitchen.  As they leave, they bump into LENNY, who has just
               entered.

                                   LENNY
                         Blimey!

                                   EVE
                         Lenny!  

                                   LENNY
                         What in blazes...where are you
                         going?

               HOWARD and EVE run out the front door as LENNY finishes.  He
               watches them.

                                   LENNY (CONT'D)
                         I knew I shouldn't have put Robert
                         on guard duty.

               Just then, BOB enters with a bowl of ice cream.

                                   BOB
                         I couldn't wait any longer, dude. 
                         Did I miss anything?

                                   LENNY
                         You bloody fool!  Why did you leave
                         your post?

                                   BOB
                         Uh-oh.

                                   MANAGER
                         Which one of you is going to pay
                         for all this food?

                                   LENNY
                         I'll pay.  It's the least I can do.  

               LENNY signs a check.  

                                   LENNY (CONT'D)
                         ...We've lost, fellows.  Let's just
                         go home.  I'm sure some of us have
                         more important things to discuss
                         anyway.

               LENNY glances at JOE, who doesn't react.

                                   BOB
                         But...the rainforest...I
                         promised...

                                   LENNY
                         It's okay, Robert.  Let's go.

                                   BOB
                             (sinister)
                         This isn't over...this isn't
                         over...

               LENNY leads the others out of the restaurant.

                                                                CUT TO:

               INT. LENNY'S CAR - NIGHT

               LENNY drives, with BOB in the passenger seat, and JOE and
               JUKEBOX in the back.

                                   LENNY
                         So...what's on your mind, Joseph?

                                   JOE
                         Nothing.  There's a lot on my
                         fucking nerves, but my mind is
                         fine.

                                   LENNY
                         Oh, come on.  You don't have to
                         pretend.

                                   JOE
                         What the hell are you talking
                         about?

                                   LENNY
                             (sighs)
                         I see you're not quite ready to
                         accept it yet.  You'll come around.

                                   JOE
                         You're scaring me, Blundersmythe.

                                                           DISSOLVE TO:

               INT. LENNY'S SHACK - NIGHT

               The group enters.  LENNY goes to his room, BOB immediately
               goes out the back door, and JOE and JUKEBOX sit down on the
               couch.  JOE turns on the TV.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Yo, did you see dat fine ho gettin'
                         all up in my shit?

                                   JOE
                         What?  You're crazy.  She's madly
                         in love with me.  It was obvious.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         I know when a fly bitch wants da
                         Jukebox lovin', dawg, and dis is
                         one of those times!

                                   JOE
                         You're out of luck, Juke.  She was
                         clearly trying to seduce me, but I
                         resisted her feminine wiles, and
                         she broke down like all the others.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         What others?

                                   JOE
                         Shut up.  Just shut up.  Don't you
                         dare ruin this for me.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         I want my big ol' titties!

                                   JOE
                         We'll see.  You don't stand a
                         chance.

                                                                CUT TO:

               INT. LENNY'S ROOM - NIGHT

               LENNY sits on his bed reading the napkin again.

                                   LENNY
                             (to himself)
                         Joseph...why can't you accept
                         yourself?  

               He puts the napkin down.

                                   LENNY (CONT'D)
                         One of these days...

                                                                CUT TO:

               EXT. LENNY'S SHACK - NIGHT

               BOB stands on the back porch looking out at the rainforest
               below.  

                                   BOB
                         Rainforest...I swear it wasn't my
                         fault.  You've gotta believe me,
                         dude.  I want to make up for all
                         the pain I caused you during those
                         two weeks I was a lumberjack.  Just
                         give me another chance.  I won't
                         let you down again!

               BOB stares at the trees, and his face is suddenly illuminated
               by a faint green glow.  A quiet whispering sound can be
               heard.

                                   BOB (CONT'D)
                         ...Dude.

                                                                CUT TO:

               INT. LENNY'S SHACK - NIGHT

               BOB suddenly bursts into the main room with renewed energy.

                                   BOB
                         Dude!  I talked to the forest, and
                         it said that we can still win!  Do
                         you want to hear how?

                                   JOE
                         Not now, Bob.  I'm trying to
                         convince Jukebox that he has no
                         game whatsoever.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         You don't got none either if you
                         always say it like dat.

                                   JOE
                         Fuck.  Let me try again...uh...da
                         bitches done gets all ovas my shit,
                         nizzles!

                                   JUKEBOX
                         You ain't ghetto, dawg.  You want
                         game, you gots ta be ghetto like
                         Gepetto.

                                   JOE
                         What?

                                   JUKEBOX
                         If you was ghetto, you'd know what
                         I'm sayin'.  Know what I'm sayin'?

                                   JOE
                         No!

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Word.

                                   BOB
                         Guys, listen!  I have the answer to
                         our problems!

                                   JOE
                         They're not my problems.  Go tell
                         Pinky McLimerson about your stupid
                         plan.

                                   BOB
                         Who's that?  Is he related to
                         Lenny?

                                   JOE
                         Bob...let me be honest...you're so
                         stupid that it makes my head hurt. 
                         Your overwhelming stupidity sucks
                         all the intelligence out of a room,
                         and the intelligence in my head
                         tries to escape and occupy the
                         empty space.  If you don't leave
                         soon, my skull is going to
                         collapse.  Got it?

                                   BOB
                             (dejected)
                         ....Yeah...I'm going.

               BOB sulks over to LENNY'S room.

                                   JOE
                         Now, as I was saying, she's clearly
                         into me...

                                                                CUT TO:

               INT. LENNY'S ROOM - NIGHT

               BOB enters while LENNY sits on the bed.

                                   LENNY
                         Oh, hello, Robert.

                                   BOB
                         Mr. Buntingmice, the trees told me
                         how we can defeat Howard U. Dewing.  

                                   LENNY
                         That's nice...

                                   BOB
                         It's better than nice!  In fact,
                         it's...very nice!  Listen, all we 
                         have to do is-

                                   LENNY
                         Please, Robert, I'm exhausted.

                                   BOB
                         What?  What about our sacred
                         mission?  I have the answers, dude! 
                         I have found enlightenment.  Don't
                         you care?

                                   LENNY
                         Robert...I've spent my entire life
                         trying to save Mother Nature.  But
                         now I have a more important mission
                         that you can't help me with.  Just
                         give me some time alone.

                                   BOB
                         More important than the rainforest?  

                                   LENNY
                         Much more important.  And I'm
                         afraid you wouldn't understand.  I
                         suggest you get some rest.

                                   BOB
                         ...Okay.

               BOB once again sulks away.  He goes out the back door.

                                                                CUT TO:

               EXT. LENNY'S SHACK - NIGHT

               BOB once again stares at the trees.

                                   BOB
                         Well, it looks like it's all up to
                         me.  Just tell me what to do
                         tomorrow, and I'll save you myself.  

                                                               FADE TO:

               INT. LENNY'S SHACK - MORNING

               JOE lays in a sleeping bag on the floor, and JUKEBOX is on
               the couch.  BOB'S sleeping bag is empty.  JOE wakes up and
               glances at the clock, which reads 10:17 AM.

                                   JOE
                             (groggy)
                         Shit...not even noon yet.  The
                         others aren't...wait...where's Bob?

                                                                CUT TO:

               EXT. A DIRT ROAD - MORNING

               BOB marches along the road with steadfast determination...or
               some inspirational crap like that.  He sees a large house in
               the distance.

                                   BOB
                         There it is...Howard U. Dewing's
                         Brazillian mansion.  I'm ready to
                         fulfill my destiny.

                                                           DISSOLVE TO:

               EXT. HOWARD'S MANSION - MORNING

               BOB walks up to a massive front door and rings the bell. 
               After a few seconds, HOWARD'S BUTLER answers.  He is very
               stereotypical.  If you need any further description, I feel
               sorry for you.  Really.

                                   BUTLER
                         Yes?

                                   BOB
                         I need to speak to Mr. Dewing. 
                         Where is he?

                                   BUTLER
                         I'm not at liberty to disclose that
                         information.

                                   BOB
                         Oh, really?  Well maybe my friend,
                         Mr. Moneybags, can persuade you.

               BOB gives the BUTLER a handful of Monopoly money.

                                   BUTLER
                         This...isn't real money, sir.

                                   BOB
                         I know.  But don't you get tired of
                         losing this stuff?  It really ruins
                         the game, dude.

                                   BUTLER
                         I don't normally take bribes...but
                         I do enjoy a good game of Monopoly
                         (note: he pronounces it "Moe-noe
                         polly").

               The BUTLER pockets the "money" and takes BOB inside.

                                   BUTLER (CONT'D)
                         Right this way, sir.

                                   BOB
                         Thanks.

                                                                CUT TO:

               INT. HOWARD'S MANSION - MORNING

               The BUTLER leads BOB down a long hallway. They stop at a
               large door at the end.

                                   BUTLER
                         Mr. Dewing's office is right
                         through that door.  

                                   BOB
                         Okay.  Enjoy your money.

                                   BUTLER
                             (deviously)
                         Oh, I will...I will, indeed.

               The BUTLER walks away laughing.  BOB knocks on the door.  

                                   HOWARD (O.S.)
                         Come in!

               BOB turns the knob and starts to walk in, but the door stops
               halfway, and he walks right into it.

                                   BOB
                         Ow!  What's wrong with this thing?

               He keeps fumbling with the door, which hits him in the face
               every time he starts to get it open.

                                   HOWARD
                         Heh heh.  Crazy varmints.

               HOWARD gets up and opens the door without a problem.  BOB
               doesn't notice right away, and falls face-first onto the
               ground.

                                   BOB
                         OOF!  

               BOB looks up at HOWARD, who is standing over him.

                                   HOWARD
                         Howdy, partner.  What brings you
                         here?  Did you come to apologize?

               BOB slowly gets up.

                                   BOB
                         Just the opposite, Howie.  I came
                         to beat you once and for all.

                                   HOWARD
                         You varmint!  Don't call me Howie!

                                   BOB
                         Dude, I'm not afraid of you
                         anymore.  The trees told me all
                         about you.

                                   HOWARD
                         Got-dangit, yer not makin' any
                         sense!  How did you get here,
                         anyway?

                                   BOB
                         I walked.

                                   HOWARD
                         ...For how long?

                                   BOB
                         About six hours.

                                   HOWARD
                         Hmmm...you may have called me
                         Howie, but any fella who'll walk
                         six hours to talk to me must have a
                         good reason.  Have a seat.

               HOWARD sits down behind his desk, and BOB sits down in a
               wooden chair that looks like it could break any second.  As
               he sits, he leans back as if it's talking to him.

                                   BOB
                             (quietly)
                         ...Dude...really?  Me?  I'm so
                         sorry, dude.

                                   HOWARD
                         What in tarnation are you doin'?

                                   BOB
                         Dude...this chair...it was made
                         from a tree I cut down once.  I'm
                         so ashamed of my past...

                                   HOWARD
                         Look, son, I don't know what you
                         came here to say, but I'm just
                         doing my job.  And besides, I'm
                         pretty sure your little queer
                         friend doesn't want to compromise.  

                                   BOB
                         My little what?

                                   HOWARD
                         You know, that "Lenny" character. 
                         Ain't he one of them ho-mos or
                         somethin'?

                                   BOB
                         Dude, I didn't ask.  Hmm.  But
                         that's not important.  What is
                         important...is...that...you need to
                         stop hurting the rainforest.

                                   HOWARD
                         I've heard that a hundred times
                         from you varmints, and it never
                         changes my mind.  Why do you care?

                                   BOB
                         Dude, you haven't seen what I've
                         seen.  Filched remotes, cyclones of
                         leaves, acorns that strike when you
                         least expect it...it's a waking
                         nightmare, dude.  

                                   HOWARD
                         You're still not makin' any sense,
                         partner. 
                         But I think I know what your
                         problem is.  You're under the spell
                         of that "environmentalism" hogwash. 
                         But will that get you a place like
                         this?

               HOWARD spreads his arms to indicate that he's talking about
               his mansion.  Wow, what a roundabout way to say that...

                                   BOB
                         Dude, the trees don't care about
                         the size of your house.  They only
                         care about the size of your heart. 
                         Because that...is what really
                         matters.

                                   HOWARD
                         You know what?  You just need to
                         take a look around.  I'm gonna give
                         you the grand tour of this place.  

                                   BOB
                         Is there ice cream at the end?

                                   HOWARD
                         Um...sure, why not?

                                   BOB
                             (in his melodramatic
                              voice)
                         Then lead the way, and I shall
                         follow!

                                                                CUT TO:

               INT. LENNY'S SHACK - DAY

               LENNY, JOE, and JUKEBOX stand in the main room.

                                   LENNY
                         So you didn't see him leave?

                                   JOE
                         No.  I just woke up and noticed
                         that he was gone.  Juke, did you
                         see anything?

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Yo, I was sleepin' like a baby's
                         daddy's baby.  I ain't seen shit.

                                   LENNY
                         Wait a tick...what's this?

               LENNY picks up a piece of paper that was on BOB'S pillow.

                                   LENNY
                             (reading the note)
                         Going to fulfill my destiny at
                         Howard's man shin...

                                   JOE
                         His man shin?

                                   LENNY
                         I think he was trying to spell
                         "mansion."

                                   JOE
                         Oh.

                                   LENNY
                         We can't let him do this.  It's too
                         dangerous.  Come with me.

                                   JOE
                         What?

                                   LENNY
                         We're going to bring Robert home. 
                         I know where Mr. Dewing's mansion
                         is.  Robert's note says he left at
                         4 AM, so if he walked there...which
                         he's probably determined enough to
                         do...

                                   JOE
                         The word is "stupid," Lenny.

                                   LENNY
                         ...Then he probably got there a few
                         minutes ago.  If we drive, we
                         should be able to save him before
                         he goes too far.  But we have to
                         leave now.  Let's go.

                                   JOE
                         Fuck.  That's just...wait...does
                         Howard's daughter live at the
                         mansion?

                                   LENNY
                         I think so.  But why would you be
                         concerned about that?

                                   JOE
                         Oh, you'll see.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         I'm comin' wit' you, dawg.  Dis
                         nigga ain't gon' steal none of my
                         bitches.

                                   JOE
                         Let's go, Lenny.  Juke is still in
                         denial.

                                   LENNY
                         I don't know what you're talking
                         about, but I do know that we're
                         late already. Move!

               They run to the car, get in, and drive off.  

                                                           DISSOLVE TO:

               EXT. HOWARD'S MANSION - DAY

               The car pulls up to the front of the house.

                                                                CUT TO:

               INT. HOWARD'S MANSION - DAY

               HOWARD leads BOB through the house, pointing at various
               features.

                                   HOWARD
                         See that?  That's my personal movie
                         theater.  And that there is my
                         shooting range.  I got all this by
                         cutting down trees.  

                                   BOB
                         Dude...it is pretty nice, dude.

                                   HOWARD
                         That's about it.  Any questions?

                                   BOB
                         Do I get my ice cream now?

                                   HOWARD
                         Uh...it's back in my office. 
                         Follow me.

                                                                CUT TO:

               EXT. HOWARD'S MANSION - DAY

               LENNY walks up to the door with the others behind him.  He
               rings the bell, and the BUTLER answers.

                                   BUTLER
                         Yes?

                                   LENNY
                         Did a man named Robert come here
                         recently?

                                   BUTLER
                         A nice gentleman is visiting Mr.
                         Dewing right now, but I didn't get
                         his name.  

                                   JOE
                         Was he talking to wood?

                                   BUTLER
                         I believe so.

                                   JOE
                         That's him.  Let's go.

                                   BUTLER
                         What do you think you're doing?

                                   JOE
                         We're going to save Bob from
                         himself.  Get out of the way.

                                   BUTLER
                         I'm afraid I can't let you do that.

                                   JOE
                         I'm afraid I can't let you not let
                         me do that...yeah!

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Want me to fuck him up, L-Dizzle?

                                   LENNY
                         You might have to...

               At this point, HOWARD hears the commotion and joins in from
               the end of the hallway.

                                   HOWARD
                         Algernon, let them in.  I've dealt
                         with these critters before.

                                   BUTLER
                         Very good, sir.

               The BUTLER steps aside.

                                   JOE
                         That's fuckin' right.

               LENNY, JOE, and JUKEBOX walk down the hallway as HOWARD and
               BOB enter the office.

                                   LENNY
                         Wait a second!

               LENNY runs to the end of the hall as the door closes.

                                   LENNY (CONT'D)
                         He's playing games with us.  Bloody
                         wanker.

                                   JOE
                         Oh, fuck him.  Let's just get Bob
                         and get the hell out of here.

               JOE opens the door, but it malfunctions like it did when BOB
               tried it.  

                                   JOE (CONT'D)
                         Ow!  What the fuck?  Open the fuck
                         up, you fucking fucker!

                                   LENNY
                         Oh, dear.  I hope there are no
                         children about.

                                                                CUT TO:

               EXT. HOWARD'S MANSION - DAY

               A small boy looks in the window as JOE drops numerous F
               bombs.  He bursts into tears and runs away. 

                                                                CUT TO:

               INT. HOWARD'S MANSION - DAY

               JOE finally manages to push through the door and fall over,
               but it closes as he hits the ground.

                                   JOE
                         Ow.  My face.  

                                   BOB
                         Joe!  What are you doing here?

                                   JOE
                         I...well, we came to get you out of
                         here.  You're in over your head.

                                   BOB
                         We?  Where's everyone else?

               The door rattles as LENNY tries to open it.

                                   LENNY (O.S.)
                         Bloody hell!

               LENNY suddenly manages to get through, but the door swings
               and hits him in the buttocks.  He falls on top of JOE, who is
               still on the ground.

                                   JOE
                         Ow!  Get off me!  Wait...do you
                         have something in your pocket?

                                   LENNY
                         Do I ever!

                                   JOE
                         GAAAH!!!

               JOE springs up, pushing LENNY off.

                                   LENNY
                         Why do you push me away?

                                   JOE
                         Because you tried to molest me,
                         damn it!

                                   LENNY
                         This is what you wanted!

                                   JOE
                         You're sick!

                                   HOWARD
                         Get a room, you two!  We're
                         discussing business.

                                   JOE
                         Hey...you...shut up.

               The door rattles again as JUKEBOX tries to open it.

                                   JUKEBOX (O.S.)
                         Bitch-ass muthafucka!  Oughta fuck
                         up yo shit!

               He falls through like the others.

                                   JUKEBOX (CONT'D)
                         Dis do' be trippin, dawg.

                                   HOWARD
                         I don't know why people have so
                         much trouble with that door.  It
                         must not like varmints.

                                   LENNY
                         Oh, enough.  Robert, let's go.

                                   BOB
                         Where are we going?

                                   LENNY
                         Home.  You've had enough of this.

                                   BOB
                         I have?

                                   LENNY
                         Yes!  Get up and follow me.  

                                   HOWARD
                         I reckon you'd better listen to
                         him.  

                                   BOB
                         But what about the ice cream?

                                   LENNY
                         You can have bloody ice cream at
                         home! 

                                   BOB
                         Ew.  I don't want blood in my ice
                         cream.

                                   JOE
                         You can't tell me you didn't see
                         that coming, Lenny.

                                   LENNY
                         Enough!

               LENNY grabs BOB and pulls him away, but EVE steps into the
               doorway before they can leave.

                                   EVE
                         I heard some noise, and I thought
                         that...Lenny!

                                   LENNY
                         Oh, hello, Miss Dewing.  We'll be
                         leaving shortly.

                                   EVE
                         You don't have to do that.  Why
                         don't you stick around for a while?

               EVE leans toward LENNY in a flirtatious manner.

                                   LENNY
                         Well, we don't want to be too much
                         trouble.

                                   EVE
                         It wouldn't be any trouble.  Maybe
                         I could show you around.

               She continues making suggestive gestures.

                                   LENNY
                         No time.  We have to go.

               LENNY walks toward the door, but BOB doesn't follow him.
               LENNY turns around and starts trying to persuade BOB, but the
               conversation is too quiet to hear.

                                   JOE
                             (under his breath)
                         Showtime!

               JOE walks over to EVE.

                                   JOE (CONT'D)
                         'Sup?

                                   EVE
                         Back off.

                                   JOE
                         Playing hard to get, are we?

                                   EVE
                         I have mace.

                                   JOE
                         I prefer Axe myself, but I suppose
                         all body sprays are about the same.  

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Step aside, honky.

               JUKEBOX pushes JOE away.

                                   JOE
                         Bastard.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Yo, I just wanted to tell you,
                         playa to ho, dat you is da shiz
                         nit.

                                   EVE
                         What?

                                   JUKEBOX
                         I was thinkin' 'bout you da other
                         day, and I got to hippin' and
                         hoppin' and writin'.  Check dis
                         shit out.

               JUKEBOX takes a microphone out of his pocket and begins
               rapping into it, despite the fact that it isn't plugged in. 
               A hip-hop beat begins playing out of nowhere.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Yo, I be a pimp and a playa, but
                         all I really wanna do is lay ya
                         down by da fire an' show my desire,
                         my hos be so coo', but now it's
                         only you I want, so don't front,
                         just give me a blunt and yo c-

               EVE grabs the microphone out of his hand before he can finish
               the obscenity.

                                   EVE
                         Stop that!

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Shee-it.  

                                   JOE
                         Well, at least we're even.

                                   HOWARD
                         What are you two varmints doing? 
                         Are you tryin' to romance my
                         daughter?

                                   JOE
                         You could call it that, yes.

                                   HOWARD
                         Well, where I come from, we settle
                         this kind of thing the old
                         fashioned way!

                                   EVE
                         Daddy, no!  I'm not interested in
                         them!

                                   JOE
                         Oh yeah, she wants me so bad.

                                   HOWARD
                         Sweetheart, I'm your father, and I
                         know what's best for you.  These
                         two are gonna have a duel, and
                         whoever lives can marry you.

                                   JOE
                         A what now?

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Oh, snap!  Time to bust a cap up in
                         dis cracka!

                                   EVE
                         Daddy, stop it!  You're acting
                         crazy!

                                   JOE
                         A fucking duel?  With my fucking
                         brother?

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Hey, you ain't no brutha.

                                   JOE
                         Neither are you!

               Everyone stops and stares at JOE for a few seconds, as if he
               didn't just point out the obvious fact that JUKEBOX is a
               pasty white boy.

                                   HOWARD
                         ...As I was sayin'...you'll face
                         each other with revolvers at high
                         noon.  Which is in about...five
                         minutes.  We'd better hurry up!

                                   JOE
                         Fuck. Me.

                                   LENNY
                             (under his breath)
                         If you live, maybe...

                                   BOB
                         Hello?  I believe I was promised
                         ice cream upon completion of the
                         grand tour.

                                   HOWARD
                             (ignoring BOB)
                         Everybody outside!

                                                           DISSOLVE TO:

               EXT. HOWARD'S MANSION - DAY

               JOE and JUKEBOX face each other ten paces apart, each one
               holding a revolver.  HOWARD and BOB stand on one side, while
               LENNY and EVE stand on the other.

                                   JOE
                         Do we really have to do this? 
                         Can't we just settle it with a game
                         of Pop-O-Matic Trouble or
                         something?

                                   HOWARD
                         What are you, some kind of coward? 
                         Only varmints would back out of a
                         duel!

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Yo, I'm ready, dawg.  I been shot
                         nine fuckin' times already.

                                   JOE
                         That wasn't you, it was 50 Cent!

                                   JUKEBOX
                         But I listen to his music, so I
                         know what it's like!

                                   JOE
                         You're all nuts!!!

                                   HOWARD
                         Any minute now...

               EVE grabs LENNY'S arm and pushes up next to him.

                                   LENNY
                             (looking down)
                         ...Oh...that's not normal...

                                   BOB
                         Mr. Dewing...are they going to fire
                         those guns?

                                   HOWARD
                         If they know what's good for 'em!

               JOE and JUKEBOX continue staring each other down.  HOWARD
               looks at his watch.

                                   HOWARD (CONT'D)
                         Just a few more seconds...

                                   EVE
                         Why are you doing this?

                                   HOWARD
                         Unless they're varmints, they'll be
                         fine!  

                                   EVE
                         That doesn't make sense!

                                   HOWARD
                         No, it doesn't, does it?  Life's
                         funny that way.

                                   JOE
                         If I'm alive in 30 seconds, Howard
                         is going to be dead in 40...

               HOWARD looks at his watch.

                                   HOWARD
                             (to himself)
                         10...9...8...7...

               JOE and JUKEBOX continue staring.  EVE clutches LENNY even
               closer.  LENNY appears to be surprised by something.

                                   HOWARD (CONT'D)
                         Draw!!!

               Surprisingly, both JOE and JUKEBOX draw and fire.  JUKEBOX
               holds the gun sideways like a gangsta, so his shot flies past
               JOE'S head and hits a tree.  JOE, however, manages to shoot
               JUKEBOX in the chest.  JUKEBOX falls over.

                                   JOE
                         Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit,
                         shit...what have I done?

                                   LENNY
                         Jukebox!

                                   JOE
                         Juke, are you alive?  Say
                         something!

                                   BOB
                         Barry!

               BOB runs over to the tree JUKEBOX shot.

                                   BOB (CONT'D)
                         Is it bad, Barry?  No, don't try to
                         speak...just stay still...don't you
                         dare die on me, damn it!

               BOB throws his hands into the air and looks toward the sky.

                                   BOB (CONT'D)
                         Nooooooooooooooo!!!!!!

               Meanwhile, the others have gathered around JUKEBOX, who
               starts to move.

                                   JOE
                         Juke!  I'm sorry!  I don't know why
                         I did it!

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Aw, shee-it, it's okay, dawg.  Dat
                         bitch-ass bullet just hit my bling. 
                         See?

               JUKEBOX holds up a dented medallion on a chain.

                                   HOWARD
                         Well, you both lived.  I've never
                         seen that happen before.  Now, what
                         should we do to kill one of ya?

                                   EVE
                         Daddy, stop it!  I don't want to
                         marry either of them.  I love
                         Lenny!

                                   LENNY
                         You what?!

                                   EVE
                         I've known since I met you in the
                         restaurant!  You're just so strong
                         and determined!  I can't stop
                         thinking about you!  Tell me you
                         feel the same!

                                   LENNY
                         Oh...that's...lovely...but there's
                         a small problem...

                                   EVE
                         I can make it better...

               EVE runs into LENNY'S arms and kisses him passionately.

                                   LENNY
                             (flustered)
                         Well...um...

               LENNY looks down again.

                                   LENNY
                         That's never happened in this
                         situation before...

                                   EVE
                         What?

                                   LENNY
                         Oh, nothing, nothing...um...Joseph,
                         what do you think?

                                   JOE
                         Dude, knock yourself out.  This
                         place is too crazy for me.

                                   HOWARD
                         Wait a second...aren't you gay?

               Everyone stares at LENNY, since nobody has ever bothered to
               point this out before.

                                   EVE
                         You are?  But...I thought...

                                   LENNY
                         Well...I am very happy right now!

                                   HOWARD
                         That ain't what I meant!

                                   LENNY
                             (glares at HOWARD)
                         Yes, it is.

                                   HOWARD
                         ...Oh.

                                   BOB
                             (very loudly)
                         You're all forgetting about the
                         rainforest!  

                                   HOWARD
                         Well...I tell you what.  You two
                         proved that you ain't varmints, so
                         what do you want in return?

                                   JOE
                         Just listen to Bob.  I want to
                         leave.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Yo, save da chronic, dawg!  Stop
                         cuttin down dem trees like we told
                         you!

                                   BOB
                         What he said...I think.  Mr.
                         Dewing, save Mother Nature and go
                         make paper from some non-endangered
                         trees.  But make sure you replace
                         them, because natural resources are
                         precious, dude.

                                   JOE
                         How do you do that, Bob?

                                   BOB
                         What?

                                   JOE
                         How do you randomly turn non-stupid
                         like that?!

                                   BOB
                         I think it has something to do with
                         a rabbit hole.

                                   JOE
                         Damn it...

                                   HOWARD
                         All right, you win.  I'll move my
                         operation out of Brazil for now. 
                         But if any of you want a well
                         paying job, you're welcome to come
                         see me back in the U.S.  I ain't
                         givin' up this business just yet.

                                   LENNY
                         We did it!

                                   EVE
                         Not yet...

                                   LENNY
                         What?

                                   EVE
                         You'll see.

                                   LENNY
                         Oh!  I think I'll...stay here
                         tonight, blokes.  You can take the
                         car back to the airport.

                                   JOE
                         You mean your shack?

                                   LENNY
                         If you like.

                                   JOE
                         Great.  Let's go, guys.  

                                   BOB
                         It was nice meeting you, Mr.
                         Bunsenburner!

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Don't be a playa hata, dawg!  Be
                         coo'.

                                   JOE
                         Yeah, yeah, yeah...come on.

               JOE, JUKEBOX, and BOB walk back to the car and drive away. 
               HOWARD, EVE, and LENNY wave as they drive off.  JUKEBOX and
               BOB wave back.  JOE gives them the finger.  But he waves his
               hand while he does it.

                                                           DISSOLVE TO:

               EXT. THE AIRSTRIP - EVENING

               JOE is loading equipment into the plane.  JUKEBOX tests the
               controls, and BOB stares at the trees some more.

                                   BOB
                         Well, rainforest, we did it.  I
                         only hope you can let me enjoy my
                         remote now.  

                                   JOE
                         Bob, are you going to help or not?

                                   BOB
                         I already did, Joe.  I helped keep
                         nature alive.

                                   JOE
                         I fucking hate you.

                                   BOB
                         Yeah?  Well...I...hate...fucking
                         you.

                                   JOE
                         That's it.

               JOE takes a bag full of doorknobs out of the plane and raises
               it up to hit BOB.

                                   BOB
                         Dude, not the knobsack!

                                   JUKEBOX
                             (from the plane)
                         Let's go, niggas!

                                   JOE
                             (looking at the knobsack)
                         Bob...I owe you one.

                                   BOB
                         Thanks, dude.  

                                   JOE
                             (grinning menacingly)
                         No problem.

               They climb into the plane, and it takes off into the sunset.

                                                         FADE TO BLACK.